all about 12/7/11

last night i was feel sad when he laugh us that is including laughing at me.. 
she laugh on us, it's ok, i don't mind,
but him too..

i am speechless.. 

what should i respond? 

morning i was dreaming but my phone's alarm woke me up.. 

today is saturday, but i went to school, for account extra class..

sister bought us bihun, 

i ate it around 8am, but then 9am++ i already felt very hungry..

when i reach school at around 8:30am, i got nothing to do..

have to wait for half more hour..

i saw my "dad" was sitting at there, because they got wushu,

but her leg sprained, so she rest..

then SH, YN and CY was there also having training..

but they don't want to attend ah sam class..

can say as i am alone..

i sit beside KP and YC, but got nothing to say..

just keep quiet for whole account class,

i think in that 2 and half hours, i didn't talk more than 5 sentences..

when 11:30am, lesson dismiss, hmm, i very hope got people accompany me..

but of course no eh..

so as usual take bus back home..

this extra class last for 3 saturdays..

so have to attend 2 more times..

hmm.. account so many extra class as every tuesday 2pm to 3:30pm got already,

saturday got some more..

i am always worry about what if it rain.. 

if it rain when i am at home is ok, 

but if rain during i go school or back home,

it makes me feel worry and don't know what to do and feel hate..

when back home, got the sound pollution which is don't know which house is repairing.

my mum told me that luckily i not at home for whole morning..

i open my speaker till very loud, to cover the sound pollution..

i played english songs which my bro don't know eh,

so he played mandarin song with his laptop in his room, 

then mum open TV and that time got hokkien songs,

my mum was so like it.. 

but i don't like, hmm... not totally don't like, 

i like some of the hokkien songs eh.. but very few..

so i fight with mum by open my speaker louder, 

then mum also don't want to lose so she turn on TV sound louder, 

but then i turn on speaker more louder, 

and finally she close my speaker.. wahahaha.. 

i still can open eh mah.. but let her win lo.. 

since that she so happy mah.. 

hmm.. i will feel satisfy when see mum laugh like this.. 

3pm got something happen that made we all unhappy.. 

after that just left bro and me at home nia because sis fetch mum went out..

then we watch REBORN.. hmm.. continue battle.. nice.. 

about 5pm something, something happen...

it made them argue, and i felt very scare and sad..

i don't want this happen..

but what can i do to stop it? i can't do anything.. 

i am so useless.. 

they argue for quite a long time.. 

just because of a small matter..

i really feel so scare.. don't know why..

if last time, i sure will msg him, 

and he will comfort me with his sweet words..

and it will made me feel better..

but now, i can't, i have to face it..

although very scare inside, but i just have to scare alone already..

maybe i am the type of dependent, so i will always hope that,

everything also can tell someone that care about me and sayang me.. 

hmm.. when my dad eating, 

again, he asked why his soup so bitter..

i said as again, is because he asked many times already..

whenever he ask that question, we have to lie to him..

although it's not good, but what else can we do?

straight tell him that we put medicine in his soup?

we can't.. because he don't admit he got mental problem..

although now seem ok, but doctor said have to keep on.. 

everyday we have to find something just to put in the medicine for him to eat..

everytime he ask why so bitter, we hard to answer.. and feel scare too..

sometimes he will ask us to taste it.. 

sometimes he will eat not finish then ask us to finish it..

but mum asked doctor before that we can eat his medicine or not,

doctor said can't..

but sometimes dad keep ask us to eat, we can't deny..

because he will always ask that and do that, mean he suspect already..

if we deny till the end, he sure will know.. so.....

but the effect after eat it is, feel not feeling well and sleepy and dizzy.. 

that is what my mum told me.. 

because normally she will be the victim,

yesterday, he ate left, but luckily bro at home,

so mum and bro share it.. each people half.. 

got 1 time more serious.. that is my mum cook for herself and dad,

but she take wrong, and hence ate the one got medicine,

so what happen?

that is my dad can't sleep,

but mum feel not well and dizzy and slept for whole evening..

haiz.. because of dad, last year so serious, 

so made my bro forced to enter private university,

it costs a lot, so now i not dare to take money from mum also..

when i want take, i feel guilty.. don't know why..

so got any event, although i very hope to join, but i will force myself to deny..

because of this.. 

last time dad always said don't want to work already, 

so if one day he suddenly really don't want work, 

it will be a burden as income less but outcomes much..

and i do not have pocket money,

so sometimes i finish my money to buy food in school, 

i feel not dare to get from mum also.. 

i feel guilty..

sometimes feel like don't want to eat... 

straight tahan till back home.. 

but i won't let mum know, because she sure scold me eh..

she not allow me to do that.. 

hmm.. my friends outing won't ask me, 

maybe because i always deny,

maybe because i no money,

maybe because i no transport, 

or maybe because i am not their friend..

whatever.. 

maybe will feel kinda down when know that they went out but didn't ask me,

but maybe it is good also that they didn't ask me,

because i don't have to worry about transport and money problem..

and no need to think about the reason to deny as i am not well in how to deny..

when i listening to my mp3,

some people will ask me how much it costs, 

hmm.. i don't know how to answer as i don't know the costs..

because it was come to me by free.. 

that was my bro win eh.. 

but i don't know he join what to win it..

that day got people ask me, so back home i ask my bro, 

but he don't want to tell me..

hmm.. if it is not free eh, impossible i will own it..

because mum won't allow us to buy this kind of thing,

and impossible buy for us..

because it is expensive..

hmm.. i really thanks bro a lot..

because he won it but gave it to me..

i feel that although i still will feel disappointed whenever see my phone no msg,

but seem that i already be used to this kind of feeling..

so what i waiting for? wait for a miracle?


haiz.. backache again.. 

how good if got people help me to massage.. 
laugh also will pain.. sigh..
but why i think of him? maybe because he was too good to me.. 
had sweet memory before..
but then it won't happen now..

hmm.. everyday for sure i will update my lovely blog at least once..

it become my diary.. 

and it is my privacy..

so i can just write whatever i want.. can express my feelings..

but sometimes feel pek cek when i writing but mum come sit beside me,

she sit beside me, then i can't write..