all about 31/7/11

last night i was hoping got people will say good night to me..
but i know impossible, 
so i decided to send it out..
but suddenly i feel don't know want to send to who..
seem like no people that i want to send to..
hmm.. actually got 1, but i feel like not dare to...
so finally i send to two of my "sis"..
after i sent it, i go toilet and brush my teeth..
then when i already enter room and wanna sleep,
i check my phone again and i felt so disappointed because none of them reply me..
as usual, i help mum apply the bone oil on her back..
and my hand elbow damn pain when sometimes move or what..
really pain till no sound can come out..
so mum also help me to apply the oil on it..
after that, i checked my phone again,
hmm.. i felt happy because 1 of my "sis" replied me.. 
after that i slept..
but in the whole night, i woke for many times... 
morning when i really wake, till now, my hand still feel like burning..
because of that bone oil..
and don't know why my leg so pain.. 
haiz.. why i always pain here pain there.. 


when i go toilet and wanna brush teeth, 
i look at the mirror,
and i feel very hate my hair..
i hope it will grow faster.. haiz..


today no breakfast to eat because my uncle was at home..
we cannot buy outside's food come back eat because he may scold..
so my bro and me just ate bread only..
sometimes if my dad got buy mee back, at around 5pm after work, 
we have to eat very fast.. and very scare uncle will suddenly come back..
and this make me feel very uncomfortable.. 
eat at home also must be like that.. seem like crime..
hmm.. but no one will understand even i say it out..


when i log in facebook, and checked notifications,
my "sis" comment a good night at the wall post that i post to her wall said that i miss her eh..
feel kinda happy again..


i damn hate smokers!!!!!
they don't even think of other people..
they are all selfish!!!
hmm.. even die, also not they die first, but are us.. 
keep smoking 1 by 1.. nonstop eh!!!
since that it so smelly but why they like it so much leh? 
yuck!


Oh today is first day of hungry ghost month..
normally i already very scare liao eh,
but now is...........
so i more scare..... but what to do wor.. 
hmm.. just can act brave..
because no one can let me to depend to so that won't scare..
morning and afternoon, i am home alone for hourssss..
although sky is bright, but i feel very scare too.. 
and before they went out, 
they told me a lot of thing about crime come in house eh thing..
my sis said till like 100% will happen.. 
it makes me feel very very scare...
who can accompany me...?  ='(
and every morning i so early reach school... 
feel scare also... haiz.. 


i am thinking that wanna stay at school until about 1pm everyday..
because this month all back at 12:30pm, sure got many people wait bus,
even bus come i also can't back..
but who willing to accompany me to stay and then back together?
i think no one will... 
so how wor??? haiz..


morning when mum came back, 
i was sit on my bed (on floor),
then she throw down a pack of thing to me..
i ask her what's that and i open it,
she told me is a jacket..
i open it, 
Wow.. blue colour eh jacket wor.....
hold on.... mum give me or just show me?
she said if i want then give me.. 
Ahw... so good.. 
but i feel that herself also want it eh..
hmm.. how leh?
never mind la.. share share gua.. see first lo.. hehe..
really love blue so much..
but is light blue not dark blue.. 
people say 蓝色代表忧郁,
hmm.. maybe gua.. that's why i like it so much.. 

all about 30/7/11

early morning i online, 
go and see something...
and then, 
feel so hurt again...
why i so "hand itchy" want to open it and see..
already know sure will get hurt but still want to do and see that..
haiz..


morning saw a msg on my phone, i felt kinda happy..
but then it makes me disappointed.. 
because it was just a msg from 2900 to inform me that today is last day..
hmm.. although today still can use, but useless too..
no people will msg me also..


today mum cut my hair..
because chinese July is coming.. 
today is last day before July so today cut it..
i feel sad when see mum cut like this.. 
i don't like.. 
but then what to do wor?
hmm.. i take scissors to "edit" it..
afternoon, mum cut for my bro, then he not satisfy,
i help to "edit"...
but feel so stress because if become worse, i tiok cham liao..


just now go to pray at outside flat,
when i stand there, an black ant come and bite me.. 
no wonder so pain... =(
suddenly i think of last time got insect bite me till very pain,
and i was msg him and told him... 
and he comfort me, feel good at that time..
hmm.. ah.. what i thinking about.. 
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keat Hong, don't ever think about this kind of thing anymore..
don't suffer yourself... 


i find out that i not really know how to wear slipper..
and also don't know how to wear slipper to walk..
because whenever i wear slipper and walk,
sure will feel weird.. 
i not so like slipper.. 


i don't like tonight's dinner.. 
because mum cook ladies finger which i don't like eh..
hate it nia..


i plan to study today, but i fail again..
gai liao.. i not yet start study although tuesday start exam..
omg.. omg... 
i want study.. 
but no mood.. haiz.. 
early morning feel so hurt.. no mood to study.. 
just now go and see something which makes me feel more hurt..
hate myself why want to go and see that.. 
haiz... 


i must think something that can make me not so down.. 
hmm.. songs!!!
think of afternoon my computer shuffle an english,
<Damaged> by Shayne Ward..
this song i love it already when i first time listen..


it's time to imagine.. 
hmm.. 
imagine that,
when my beloved holds my hand and walk slowly at seaside.. 
imagine that, 
when my beloved and me lies on a clean ground and looking at the stars together..
imagine that,
when ...........................
hmm..it's so nice..
ok la.. 
stop imagine liao..
hope tonight got people wish me good night.. 
although it won't happen eh.. 
just wish nia mah.. never mind eh.. 


hmm.. when can i start study leh? 
stupid! idiot! 
i know i sure will fail in this coming exam eh..
sorry mum that i am going to disappointed u..
sorry bro that although u prove to mum that 
sit in front computer everyday also can get good result,
but i can't.. 
haiz..

all about 29/7/11

early morning, he came to my class to find his friend,
i try to solve the maths which i don't know how to do 
but yestersay saw CY's answer liao eh.
hmm.. don't know why, i feel good that when he was here..
feel warm, feel good, but just don't know why i felt that..
hmm.. know that his leg pain, 
i hope i can do something, but what can i do?
i hope can take care him, but i know impossible.. and he also won't want..
ask him take care himself? but how do i gonna say that? 
hmm.. i rather the pain is on me but not him..
or.. maybe.. got people take care him already? hmm..


i accompany YN go find Mr.Chew.. 
hmm.. whenever YN find teacher, sure is Mr.Chew eh.. 
but the door was close mean teacher not yet reach school, 
so we wait at there, till 7:2Xam then YN said saw tiok his car liao..
but no time to talk, so we just go to assembly field first..


first and second period was maths, she gave us 2 questions,
but we use 2 period to done 1 question.. erm.. nonono..
should say i use 2 period to finish half question, 
then another half is copy from JW after maths period eh..
then SH said question 2 wait JW do liao borrow us, and said her maths good,
then she answer that is her sifu teach well..
oh... erm... hmm...  ................ ok..
maths paper 1 has 8 chapter, the chapter that i like are chapter 1, 2 and 4..
because at least i know a bit.. then the rest all i don't know.. haiz.. how wor..


then during muet, they used it to celebrate CH's birthday, 
actually is yesterday but don't have cake, so delay to today..
and today is JF the culprit's birthday, so at the same time celebrate with JF too..
Ms.Rajenee keep asking CH to do speaking,
then teacher suddenly said it's cold, and ask to switch off fan..
so 4 fans were close but my place eh fan is still on..
i was thinking that why don't want close this?
because i really feel cold...
then when i saw that whole gang was preparing the cake, i understand it.. 
hmm.. seem like just that gang were celebrating birthday, 
because the rest of us still sit at our place and doing our own things..
then when agnes takes cake for me, 
i not yet say thanks but she put on my table then walk away already..
i don't know why i so mind about i didn't say thanks..
i told SH, she said that agnes won't mind eh..
but i told her i mind.. and i ask her should i say thanks to her later?
she said can but maybe agnes will just feel funny..
hmm.. never mind, feel funny or laugh also never mind, 
at least i done what i suppose to do..
then when agnes pass by, SH call her and then i say thanks to her,
then she feel blur blur, so i explain, then she laugh and say nothing eh..
then SH told me "u see? i said already, funny"
hmm.. never mind, at least my heart feel better..


hmm.. if want our class to combine together, it is IMPOSSIBLE eh..
because minimum sure will exists 2 gang..
overall is,
1 gang is 12 of left hand side eh + 3 of center behind eh + maybe center front eh.
then another gang will be is,
center eh 2 rows  + right hand side eh..
whatever la.. left few months only..
today YN ask JW why the class page eh photo look so formal, 
then JW say can't fit if do the other way.. ok then..
SH ask that why all is school uniform but only one is other eh,
then JW said that was gathering..
i ask when eh, she said was during June, celebrate YP's birthday..
SH ask who went, JW said her, that whole gang, and other class eh,
hmm.. ok... 
then it not suppose to be in U6A1's class page, 
because it's not about our class.. isn't it?
whatever.. 


when recess, i felt very hungry, but i didn't eat anything..
then SH and me at center of form 6 building, she say she want to see car,
Alza wor..... 
but actually she want to say something to me.. 
she said that she feel down...
because of what friends said...
as when my "dad" saw tiok SH, then will ask her about prom night..
she told me that her friend also always ask her what she wear, and blah blah blah..
seem like tease or satire her.. 
she said something that they said to her, 
then ask my opinion on what i feel they talking about.
i don't know how should i answer.. 
i ask her want my straight answer? she said yup..
so i said maybe they will like that is because her size is kinda big..
she told me that, that's why lo..
she also feel that way actually..
but to me, i think that why should people like that leh?
big size, got any problem? also a human as normal people..
they also got their feelings.. why people still want to satire them?
i told her that, since that they satire her,
then she suppose to wear nicely, make herself perfect,
to show them..
let them admire instead of satire..


before class dismiss, teacher ask us arrange tables,
suddenly i was thinking, huh? why? for what?
then heard people say, oh, exam..
oh ya.. i forgot already.. since that i not yet start study..


after school, i was thinking want back or not, 
because got a lot of people waiting bus, so sure will wait very long time..
but what else can i do in school?
how good if got 1 people can accompany me stay and study together then go back together..
hmm.. wake up Keat Hong.. don't dreaming.. none will do..
haiz.. everyday all back at same time, what can i do.. 
especially next week.. haiz..


when we waiting bus, we chat a lot.. 
especially with my "dad".. 
then when in bus, normally i stand not so near them even take same bus with them eh..
today too..
but i heard that, his first ex, said something about him.. 
should i say it out here? 
hmm.. no one will come here gua.. so never mind la.. 
hmm.. she said his bad thing.. and that time i was looking at her, 
then SY give her signal that i am there..
then she turn his face look at me and say sorry,
i said never mind.. just move on.. 
but actually she don't have to say sorry to me, 
because i am no longer his gf anymore,
i am just nothing to him already..
then she said it out... 
but after listen that, they all feel very geli, 
but i feel nothing... it's not a big deal.. 
don't know why.. just can accept what he do.. 
after that i was thinking that, why she like that..
she was also his gf before, sure got love him before, but why will say till like that..
why she not same with me, can accept all no matter is good or bad about him..
i was curious..
when back home, when my "dad" online, i ask her..
then my "dad"'s answer was make me feel kinda shock.. 
my "dad" said it is because, she was just play play at that time eh, not serious..
hmm.. i don't know it's true or not.
but before that, i heard my "dad" told me that his first ex told my "dad" eh things..
seem like not really loves him.. 
hmm.. why don't love but still accept him that time?
maybe what my "dad" said eh is true eh gua.. 


the bus driver's driving skill is terrible..
seem he didn't slow down then straight break eh.
all the time..
i was not stable.. 
and got 1 time i unable to balance and i fall..
luckily nothing happen.. 
how can let him be bus driver with his terrible driving skill???


SH ask me to go out with her and YN, to chat..
but she ask me go myself.. haiz..
she said or i take bus to MBS then she fetch me go.. 
hmm.. don't know la.. see how is my mood first..


well... 
Keat Hong, please, forget about just now what u saw and know,
forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it... 
and forget all the promises that he made, 
no matter is made while still in relationship, or after break,
forget all please.. he won't make it come true anymore, this is what u know too..
hmm.... oh.... i hope i can, i want to, but i want is not equal to i can.. haiz..

all about 28/7/11

dear all subjects, can u all stick me?

haiz.. i still no mood to start study.. 

so do some maths, hope it will help..

but i realise that when i do more, 

the more i don't know..

i don't know how to solve, and keep skipping,

skip, skip, skip, till i give up again..

yesterday saw JW post a photo to 6A1 group,

when i saw it, i feel hate.. 

i know it will be our class page, but i don't like it..

just don't know why i will press the "like" button..

but just now i dislike it already..

i thought just i feel that, but today when muet, nothing to do, we chatting.

then i found out that YN also same thinking with me..

what i feel is, actually it is ok but just hate the bottom center part..

all picture is we taken at school wearing uniform..

just that only one excluded..

it is so dark and that was not about our class..

that is just about their friends' gathering i think..

because just their gang's members only.. 

and we never know about that outing..

THAT IS NOT ABOUT CLASS, BUT WHY INSERT IT IN CLASS PAGE?

muet got 2 periods today, we chat a lot..

we talk about our classmates.. about friends..

物以类聚，人以群分。

recently i like this quote, because it's true..

and about friends, i always hope for a true friend..

i am not greedy, i just need the only one will do..

can be him or her..

can share all feelings, do things together, believe in each other, etc..

but, i don't have, from i born till now, never have,

maybe is my personality problem, maybe my social not good,

or maybe this world don't have true friend..

i don't know.. i just know i can't have even only one..

i believe that lover can do all those things, 

and lover can closer to us than a friend, 

also i believe that lover can last longer and forever.

but that was what i believe only, not the truth..

he had shown to me that i was wrong to believe that..

i take them as my best friends, but they don't do the same..

they got their own best friend and then ignore me..

never mind, i used to it already.. always happen to me eh..

so now, i won't promise my friends that after we graduate, still will contact each other..

because i don't want to make or get a promise that will break off ..

i will try to be friend with JL, since that they boycott her..

impossible i join they all, so i will try to get another friend..

and i want she knows that got people wants to be friend with her eh..

i don't want she feel sad because of losing them.. 

a lizard was in our class, and i told them 2 or 3 times in today already..

hmm.. because i scare lizard.. although it just a baby lizard, but i scare too..

i scare everything eh.. haiz.. so useless..

YS and WC will stay at school to study, 

i was thinking wanna join together or not, because i back home sure can't study eh.

at home with my computer, i won't do other things already..

but at last, when bell rang, i go to her class, but her class teacher still inside,

so i just use hands to let her know i will back home but not study with them..

i don't know why i made that decision, maybe i feel tired 

and also feel like i don't want to be light bulb..

i go and find my "dad", ask her what time she back, 

she told me that she got extra class, oh ya, today is thursday..

so left school after told her i back first..

when waiting bus, i met HY, i told her that hope got 204,

because i can back, and 204 is my favourite bus when i back alone..

but she can't back by that bus, actually i just joking..

then she told me hope got 502 come..

after a few seconds, saw 502 coming. then she laugh to me and back home..

i continue waiting..

202 come, actually when i alone, i don't like 202 because always full of people..

yup it's true, already full and still many people want to enter..

so i give up, since that i know won't rain.. 

after that got 201 at far, i can't see clearly in bus many people or not,

but i saw many people want to enter, so i give up again..

i choose to continue to wait..

but when 201 moved, i saw at front still got place, 

but then got 5 girls walking back here, 

and i heard they said when reach them, 

driver close the door and refuse to fetch already..

i feel so lonely.. and i feel scare too..

don't know why.. i will feel scare when i am alone and lonely..

i feel wanna walk back home.. 

but i didn't do that because feel tired, and no people accompany me walk back..

dislike to wait bus because got many insects at there.. 

i reach home at around 2:30pm..

actually i don't know what i really want..

sometimes when with friends together take bus, sure will wait till 202 come,

because can bring all of us..

sometimes i like it because got people accompany me, 

but sometimes i don't like, feel just wanna back alone,

with all bus that got pass through my house.. don't want to wait so long time..

so actually what i want? i don't know..

but if is my bf with me, i will hope wait for a longer time,

so that have more time to be together..

hmm.. as we grow up, many things have to be done by ourselves..

no people will help us.. 

they said to me, "u are adult, u have to do it by yourself"

hmm.. i saw his blog.. he really feel disappointed on friend..

but actually.. i think that boy was jealous a lot because loves his gf..

maybe the boy think feel that lover is important than friend..

i admit i am also think that way, because virgo is more care lover than friend eh..

maybe he too close to the girl so they boy will think that way..

so better is keep a distance with any different gender eh..

i will always keep a distance with boys, until people ask me is it trying to get far,

and SH also feel that i am too over already..

hmm.. maybe.. but i just feel that keep a distance to avoid any misunderstand or rumors..

but as i know him, i believe that he won't rampas other people's gf, 

because he got his own principle..

he knows what can do and what cannot do..

hmm.. i hope everything will be ok to him..

he cares the most is about friends...

but why his friends want to disappointed him.. haiz...

don't they know he cares friends the most?

i hope i didn't disappoint him.. 

if not, the people who sad will be me.. 

actually few of us also feel that friends won't last longer,

people will change...

so although i still hope for a true friend and a group of friends for long time,

but i know impossible.. what can we do is just to cherish now..

today KK didn't go school, and just now she told me that CH msg her,

ask her why didn't go school, is it sick?

hmm.. i feel that is not bad because he will still cares for her..

i was thinking that if i didn't go school, who will cares about me?

and who will worry about me ?

since that i never absent.. 

as what SH said, even my life just left half, i will also won't absent..

i think if suddenly got 1 day i absent, maybe got something happen to me already..

all about 27/7/11

today, finally i completed my maths chapter 6 exercises..

teacher said temporary will not enter chapter 7, wait after exam first..

when recess time, i bought that bread again..

then again, my friend ask me "this bread again ah.. won't eat till sien meh?"

why i said "again"? it is because she asked me not the first time already..

seem everyday she will ask me that..

but actually, i think the cheapest bread at canteen is just this kind eh nia..

so that is why..... 

then she ask us want go eat ice-cream boh,

hmm.. i want!! but hor.. it's raining wor..

so cold already.. ko eat ice-cream meh?

myself already cold till become ice liao, then put some cream on me, 

those who want eat ice-cream eh can come to eat me already.. 

wahahaha... 

say truly, suddenly rain makes me feel soooooo cold.. 

i really hope can switch off the fan, but impossible eh..

since that not only me at there.. 

no jacket also.. then what to do wor...

tahan lo.. haiz.. 

after recess was ah sam class..

his favourite random number again..

he likes to use calculator to get random numbers to ask us answer questions..

today he wan we give eh answer is about theory, 

when kena Shab, she give eh answer was my answer..

omg.. she copy my whole answer..

when she borrow from me, YN and me also told her that just part (c),

but she copy my theory part also and use that to answer..

i was thinking what if kena me?

what should i answer since that she used my answer already..

should i say "same with her" or what?

but if really happen, for sure also have to stand because unable to give new answer eh..

but luckily, what i worry about didn't happen...

they pass a paper which is about donate blood, 

CY ask me want or not, 

then i ask her "i can meh?"

then YN said "seem u already lack of blood"..

wahahaha... am i look like a girl that not enough blood?

hmm.. maybe gua..

and as what i know during NS, if not mistaken, 

body weight less than 45kg eh can't donate blood..

hmm.. i think my weight not reach 45kg, just near nia, if i didn't become fat..

and my mum sure won't allow also.. she sure will say i can't..

she will say that myself already not enough blood but then how to donate?

ah boh she will say that i will pengsan eh..

i admit what she say maybe is true..

last 2 period teacher go for rehearsal,

so no teacher in class,

then WX came in and ask who didn't go prom night,

and he ask us why don't want go..

hmm.. can i straight say no money? 

but mostly people won't accept this reason as no people understand my condition..

but then he said that didn't go eh also have to pay at least RM10 and better RM20,

for donation and support..

and said that better go..

hmm.. siao eh... can i don't want to pay? 

hmm..

today my class no tutorial, but then i still have to stay, since that teacher ask me go..

but i nothing to do during the time that other people was having tutorial..

i stay at class, whole class just left me alone nia.. haiz..

i do maths that teacher gave..

chapter 1, got 2 questions don't know how to do,

chapter 2, still on the way, but then also don't know how to do..

then the other chapter eh sure can't solve liao..

i want to ask people teach me, but, who?

haiz..

hmm.. people go there for competition, i go there do nothing..

i am ping pong club's member meh?

i really wonder, since that they never take me as a member..

when do something that is compulsory to members,

they didn't consider me also..

and this is what i feel disappointed..

is it so hard to consider me? hmm.. maybe.. to them..

and one thing i feel upset is, 

there are brainless people that do not care about other's feeling..

when my friend SY, vs ZL,

ZL is so famous and have so many "fans" that support her..

and i saw it clearly about, they were too OVER!!

they never care about SY's feeling..

i am just an outsider but i feel upset and and angry about what they done..

i admit that my friend not really know how to play ping pong,

but then i feel that they not suppose to do that..

no matter what happen, 

when SY fail to hit back the ball, 

when SY fail to hit the ball over the net,

when SY fail to pick up the ball as the ball will "jump",

when SY hit back the ball too high, 

or what ZL win, 

all people around that table sure will laugh,

but the laugh till so loud..

if it was just beginning, it still ok, but then it was their whole competition..

i feel wanna go there and say "can u all please stop to do that?"

but i not dare.. 

i hate myself for being so useless and let them continue to laugh my friend..

they was too over..

they never think that what if they same like SY one day,

will they will happy that all people around laugh on them so loud?

actually i feel nothing about LY,

but after today, i feel kinda not so like her..

because when got 1 people said that team was funny,

LY told her that "u see this group, more funny.."

hmm.. well.. i know she is pro in badminton and ping pong and maybe other else..

but should her said like that?

why does people won't care about others' feeling?

is it care about others' feeling is so hard till they can't make it?

no matter what happen,

i will always think that what if i am the person..

what will i feel if others do that on me..

if i will feel sad or negative, then i won't do that on others..

how good if all people can think about others' feeling before doing something..

after that we go wait bus, 

wait till rain.. haiz..

that is what i hate the most..

when i reach home, almost 4:30pm already..

then i look at my phone, hmm..

as usual, disappointed, but never mind, used to it..

i feel don't wanna eat although very hungry..

i just want to take a bath then only eat..

my bro say i will like it, hmm..

it's true, because is my bro cook eh, no garlic mah..

sure i love it la..

actually today got things that make me kinda down and hurt.. 

hmm.. but feel don't wanna to say.. 

not every pain also can speak out..

forget it.. forget it.. forget it.. forget it.. forget it.. forget it.. forget it.. 

SH told me that she feel that i am kinda down today also..

but YN said she didn't feel like that, she said i seem ok..

hmm.. what can i say? i tell them nothing on me..

maybe, SH really know what people think and she can know what kind of a person is..

as what she said to me last year, 

him, maybe that time was really loves me much,

but he won't loves me last long..

when she told me that, i not really care about it,

because i believe him, 

so that time i say to myself i will prove to her that we will last forever,

happily and sweetly..

but finally i fail... what she told me had became the truth..

well, next tuesday start exam,

but truly that i not yet touch my book, not yet start, 

just feel no mood to study, no motivation to move me on..

and i don't understand also.. 

don't know what should i do.. haiz..

just saw some quotes,

"if a person really wants to see u, they will make a way and nothing in the world would stop them."

hmm.. it's true..

and if a person don't want to see u, they will let u can't see them no matter how hard u try..

"if a person got heart to do something, all problem won't be problem,

but if a person no heart to do it, no problem will also be a problem.."

this is what i feel so i write it.. i feel that it is so true..

"when there is no expectation, and won't feel disappointed.."

"Love is like two persons holding a rubber band, 

the one who hurt will always be the one who do not let it go..."

hmm...

all about 26/7/11

as usual, everyday update blog..

hmm.. i had already about 2 weeks didn't msg him..

and him too.. 

although i still put hope that he will msg me,

but i just keep reminding myself, that won't happen already..

even he msg, he also msg to that girl.. impossible is me.. 

right? hmm..

Thailand is famous with elephants, isn't it? hmm...

today i kinda late reach school if compare to usual day..

and i am so surprise that CY today so early reach school,

although still late than me..wahahaha..

they perabot memang sibuk lo.. 

sentiasa bawa kerusi dari sini ke sana, dari sana ke sini..

eh why i write malay? i am writing english eh mah.. lol..

i walk out from class, and finding stars,

again, today whole sky full of clouds, hard to find even 1 star..

i saw 1 was shining.. but not sure is star or just satellite..

hmm.. whatever la.. as long as it makes me feel better.. 

today i went assembly field alone..

as what they said, they not going for assembly today..

when i just reach the field, 

national anthem started..

i saw my watch, still got 2 or 3 minutes gok ah..

crazy, today so early start assembly..

without them, just left me nia.. haiz..

when ah sam class, got 1 guy came in and ask agnes go duty for ed board.

she don't want go..

ah sam ask since that ed board so busy, why want join?

then a non-ed board member said "Xxxxxxxxxxx la.."

...........................

then SH told me "u should learn to don't sad when heard his name.."

hmm.. although i didn't say anything,

but why she know what i think and also my feeling?

and i admit that it's true.. 

tomorrow ah sam class just 1 period, 

so i already plan to stand for whole period already,

because i sure don't know how to answer eh.. 

when photography section while we waiting at there, 

i saw him, after that, saw her also..

today i only know that she is also same club with him but not only RC..

when he was not looking here, i was looking at him..

but when he was going back to class, i pretend don't see him..

i don't want he know that i am still will look at him.. 

because i scare..

scare he will feel that i am a horrible girl..

feel so sorry.. hope he won't know.. and won't think me that way..

i just feel like to look at him..

suddenly i was thinking about the first time that i go riverside with him..

he was care about me and protect me, 

keep asking me be careful..

and hold me pass through there carefully..

and there was the only place 

which we holding hands walk together at school area when the sky so bright..

because normally in school, we just will do that when early morning sky still dark,

or when no people or in class or stairs only..

that was the first time, but also last time..

but i really feel so xing fu that time..

although insects bite me till my whole legs very itchy,

but i feel that, that was nothing, because i got him with me..

hmm... no matter is he holds me, or hugs me, or kisses me,

i also feel that i am the most xing fu's girl in the world..

but i think i didn't told him this..

just keep in my heart..

today when chatting, we talk about bear bear..

and i said that how nice if own a bear bear that big size than me eh..

Ahw.... it will be very comfortable when hug it..

i remember that few years ago, 

saw a father point to the upper part of the shelf in shop,

which was a bear bear, 

and then said to the shopkeeper, 

"i want the biggest one for my daughter's birthday"..

hmm.. she will be very xing fu i think..

sometimes i will suddenly feel like very wanna hug something or someone..

but then i don't know why, just feel want..

but there is always nothing and no one for me to hug.. 

haiz.. i want hug hug... 

sometimes will feel wanna hit someone.. or wanna bite...

don't know why also.. maybe i am crazy? hmm..

but no people will let me do that on him/her..

after school, few of us stay at canteen, because after that got extra class..

then i sit at there,

seeing she was at his car there, and they were chatting.. for quite a long time..

hmm.. don't see... act didn't see... act never see... 

forget it... don't care it.. 

but why my heart tells me that "she" was bleeding...

i think my eyes should apologize to my heart,

because of my eyes, so my lovely heart bleeding again..

dear heart, will u forgive eyes?

i hope i won't see anything, won't listen anything, 

won't smell anything, won't feel anything,

although i hope that, but to me, 

if i really blind and can't see, i don't want to live already..

got a moment, when i looking, 

suddenly saw that he was don't know where, 

and i feel kinda shock then faster turn back my head...

when i was in dewan kuliah already, 

but then suddenly ask me to take over LY to join ping pong competition for FCC,

because didn't see LY and my "dad" back already..

hmm... actually i don't know it's rules about how it works eh.. 

some more is mix eh.. and i scare will implicate them..

waiting, waiting, and waiting,

finally saw LY, so i go back dewan kuliah..

i was thinking that why some president or high post eh so useless,

but then still can hold high post..

not just i say that,

teacher also told me that "president useless eh"..

yup, we all also feel that, and the vice president, also do nothing,

some more say that works is president do eh,

vice is just take over when president not around nia eh..

tsk tsk tsk.. like that also can.. 

really don't know why will choose them to have high post..

hmm.. 

maybe because of i am crazy or mad or insane or siao liao or what..

i will think that, 

is it i will feel better if one of us disappear from this earth among him and me..

but if can choose, i won't choose him to be disappear, i will choose myself..

because if he disappear, i also will be the same, down and sad..

and won't easily love other guy anymore..

but he is different..

if is that i disappear,

he can still live happily, maybe happier?

and he will find his xing fu.. 

he can chase the girl he really loves and cares,

don't need scare she will jealous about his ex and argue if i disappear.. 

he will marry with the her, 

then build their own warm family, have their cute babies, 

and he will has a happy life with his lovely wife and cute babies..

sounds good right?

hmm...

suddenly, i got a thinking,

that is want to take bus and stay in the bus, 

and finish the whole journey of that bus pass by..

i hope got people accompany me to do this crazy thing,

but... no one will do.. i know..

i feel that those who driving eh or got people fetch eh,

are very xing fu eh..

why? 

because they no need to think about which book need or no need to bring..

they can bring all, because it doesn't matter..

but we take bus, hard to do that..

maybe some of them able because they enough energy to carry it for whole journey, 

but i can't..

and they no need to worry about raining..

raining won't be a big deal to them.. 

but to me, it's a big problem..

hmm.. i was imagine that how good if when tiring and wanna going back home,

then got people waiting there just to fetch u back home,

it's so xing fu... 

but that is just i imagine only.. won't happen to me in my real life eh..

tomorrow although i no competition,

but teacher ask me to go help.. 

i think tomorrow our class tutorial will cancel, so actually can back at 1:10pm,

but i still have to wait and do nothing at school till 2:30pm ping pong competition..

and then will take how long time to finish, i don't know..

i don't know what time i can back..

but what i know is, i think i may be take bus back alone again.. 

hope tomorrow won't rain..

thursday no ping pong, so after 1:45pm then nothing to do le.. 

friday no club, so can back early too..

suddenly i saw something at facebook,

which is say that if your first kiss still exists, 

then give it to those person..

i am virgo, it says that virgo give to libra...

haiz.. impossible le.. 

last time he want but i didn't prepared, 

feel kinda scare and feel that not the time yet,

so i refused..

but now impossible le.. 

and the reason, for sure is he won't want.. hmm...

hmm.. just now received a msg, 

feel kinda surprise.. but then it was sent by digi reminder eh..

feel kinda disappointed..

right now, i feel exhausted, i am tiring inside..

just hope there are someone to hug me tight and won't let go..

and can let me hug tight too.. ='(