Relay For Life

Now i only realise that i didn't update my blog for more than 1 month already.. 
actually, i feel don't wanna to update it already,
because no one will come and see so it seem a useless blog..
but now, i choose to update it because i feel that i want to speak out,
just speak out and hope i will feel better a bit..
yesterday 6pm till today 10am was Relay For Life..
YS fetch us go.. her car always "die fire" and always hon by others..
but what we can do is just ask her to take it easy, don't nervous and slowly..
after we reach there, no place to park, then park at grave there.. Amitabha.. 
then we walk around the field to find MBS,
but after we walk finish, didn't see.. 
why this year like that de? last year got de, and also got teacher at there..
we stand there, then LW suddenly say later got people come find us,
then we ask who, i forgot she said "C" or make the sound "ssssss"..
i know immediately but they don't know who yet..
then she ask me know who? i said i know.. 
after that he came, but just talk with them, not good for me to disturb..
after that he talking through the phone, of course i don't know is who..
girl perhaps..
then he join with girls a while.. 
and he plays with a girl..
then they said want go playground, so we go..
then meet tiok their classmates..
after that saw MBS and all people also walking already, 
so we also go..
YS suddenly hold my hand, 
i feel curious because she never do that to me although with others many times..
but it feel warm and make me think of him.. 
really hope that the hand is him.. (i know i am dreaming)
heard he talk with his friend about he 2am only reach home, etc..
YS angry her bf on that morning, so i am with her then my "dad" with LW..
then they say want to take things, so we go to her cars there which was far away..
my leg kinda pain but i didn't tell anyone because useless..
YS say she no energy so i pull her at front and push her at back..
then we remind of last time merentas desa, 
forgot which year already, at botanical garden,
i no energy then she bring me..
we back to the field and find a place to make tent, but it's near to the toilet..
she brought a pair of skating shoes,
she want to try and his bf was there too, so i slowly leave and let her bf with her..
then slowly, they both ok back already..
LW and YS say want to buy food, so i go with them..
but the whole way, just they both buy, i didn't buy at all..
don't know why.. 
then meet tiok him.. he was buying something..
we continue to walk and see, then suddenly no light.. 
oh my god.. i scare too dark de.. 
but i have torch light..
after that lights come back.. we met tiok him again, 
he was sit beside a girl.. 
he give RM3 coupon to LW..
when we back tent, it's so dark..
if too dark, i not dare to move.. 
how i wish he will be by my side.. (i am dreaming again)
then we back to tent and put all the food inside..
then we go to front of stage and watch performance..
and dance together a while.. 
i like to dance together following them, but no one accompany me, i not dare..
after that we back to tent, 
LW and "dad" lie in the tent want to sleep, then i just sit outside the tent lo..
and YS and her bf say want to find the straw mat, but they go for a long time..
i felt so lonely.. no people accompany me.. 
and i know they all is two by two, besides me alone..
and i thinking about him again.. hope he will accompany me.. (maybe is dreaming again)
suddenly LW say want find WS, so i accompany her to walk around the field..
but didn't see.. 
so i lend her my phone to make a call.. 
then she said to me she can go alone and ask me go accompany my "dad"..
but i saw she was sleeping.. i felt lonely again..
upper part of the tent got small holes because didn't cover all eh..
so if rain, inside also will wet..
so we put an umbrella..
they say want to play killer, so meet others at "canteen", 
i am not interested in these game, so i leave alone..
i go to front of stage and stand there watching performance..
just me watch alone.. no friends..
then i saw him with WS and girls.. at there too..
after that didn't see them at there le..
i continue to watch.. after that i back to find them, 
he was sitting at another table with friends..
i sit for a while, then i leave to see performance again..
 i like it so much that the family de..
got a uncle playing electronic piano, 
both son which is just secondary school play drums and saxofon..
then another 1 don't know who lai, plays electronic guitar..
their performance so nice.. 
as so long time i watch alone, i hope he will come to accompany me watch together..
(dreaming again)
then when the songs "What Are Words" which i like, 
i back to find them and sit at there..
and him and friends join together..
i feel kinda stomach pain..
and feel so cold, so i wear the yellow jacket which is not so can keep warm..
after that still feel cold so i wear another 1, but still feel cold.. what to do?
they were playing games.. YS's bf ask me play, but i really don't want..
their games need holding hands, hmm.. luckily he didn't play and didn't holds girl's hand.
got a girl say bye to him.. hmm.. 
after that they play mafia..
it reminds me of last year classmates playing, he was by my side..
but now? haiz..
after that they go play something else, 
then we back to tent..
after that suddenly rain.. 5 of us hide in the tent.. no oxygen..
after that rain stop, then YS and her bf want go car sleep, and ask another 1 who want.
then LW say she want so my "dad" and me stay in the tent..
after a while, rain heavily..
inside tent wet too.. we came out to do something..
and i wet a bit.. socks wet..
after that YS and her bf come, then we plan to move the tent to the place which got cover..
there was so cold..
my "dad", YS and her bf was in the tent, LW sit on straw mat, i sit on chair,
we chatting..
after that i sit on chair wanna sleep,
then they ask me go into the tent.. so in tent, YS and her bf and me wanna sleep,
but in the tent, i can't sleep also.. but i see YS's bf hugging YS sleep..
i felt admire.. and think about him again.. how i wish he will hug me and sleep like this too..
(i know it's dreaming again)
i heard LW call him..
in the tent, half hours past, but i still awake.. totally can't fall asleep..
i am the kind of hard to fall asleep eh.. some more is at strange place, land so hard,
and without something for me to hug.. how to sleep?
WS come, and say ghost story which i don't like..
but he said till like a love story instead of ghost story..
LW said she hopes this year Relay For Life is at the almost same date like last year,
because that time she not yet break..
and i hope that last year's would at the month like this year..
because that time, he will be by mi side..
since that i can't sleep, so i leave the tent then LW go in sleep.. 
my "dad" and me feel so cold.. 
yup i was wearing 2 jackets yet feel cold..
i want go to borrow from him, 
why i will think this way? it is so absurd.. because impossible eh..
we no place to sleep.. 
we want to go other place so that won't so cold, 
but all bags and things are at there, we have to take care, we can't leave...
midnight, i hope got people msg with me.. 
but no one.. impossible got also.. 
got a RELA uncle come, he smoking, and stand there talk to us, 
damn! i hate it so much! he makes me have to use 扇子 to 扇 away the smell..
but that people ko mai leave, some more ask me is it hot.. 
What the ....?
i cold like living in hell actually, but have to do that is because of the smoke..
yet ask me this kind of question..
after that i know that in his car, got lower 6 girls with him.. 
i feel so down so sad so jealous.... 
i felt so hungry the whole night..
after that my "dad" say she want go walk around and see whether got things can eat, 
then she back with pau.. 
she said it's free.. 
so i quickly eat 1 since that i hungry already..
we continue wait till sky turn bright..
when i go toilet, i saw he just came out from the car..
after that got tarik tali, 
they go call him..
once again, i can see he tarik tali..
how could i tell him "be careful"?
i saw him slip down.. 
my heart seem pain.. worry.. and sad..
when saw they pull and he get pulled by opponents,
i feel so sad..
his fingers all scratch on the land.. will him pain? i think sure will.. haiz.. 
when he lies on land, 
don't know why my heart makes me feel wanna go near beside him to do something that couple do..
but my mind stops me.. 
because i don't have the rights already.. 
yup i don't have rights..
he give his wallet to the lower 6 girl to keep but not other guy..
it makes me feel a bit down perhaps..
they won.. he sure very happy.. it's good..
after that got aerobic..
i want join.. but scare they don't want.. 
but at the end YS and his bf join, but i am just like an extra..
suddenly rain again, YS's bf holds her hand and run, then i run alone at back.. 
again, it makes me hope that he will holds me hand and run in the rain like this too..
(sorry i know i dreaming again)
actually last year although that time we not yet in a relationship,
but i felt so sweet although he not beside me, but he accompany me for all the time..
and i remember he said if he was there, he will lend me shoulder for me to sleep tight..
after that, i keep wishing this year's faster come so that we can join together..
but... all different.. 
he not with me, won't accompany me, i cold he also won't do anything,
and, he sleep in car with other girls.. 
i miss him all the time.. but i know he won't miss me.. am i right?
when we back, i only know that he already left..
i slept just now, but when i wake, 
my both eyes very pain, pain till totally can't open.. 
i felt scare.. but i know can't find him although i want to..
now, my legs start to pain..
but the most serious is, my back neck pain again.. and it makes me feel very not well.. 
turn head also pain.. walking also pain..
didn't move also feel headache and not feeling well.. haiz.. 
where is him? nope.. i should not ask this..
he won't bother me de..