operation 2nd time

today, 
breakfast + lunch = 12 biscuits..
i am not want to keep fit, but nothing to eat..
what to do? early in the morning, sister fetch mum out already..
till afternoon, come back put things that they bought 
and take something then go out again.. 
i felt so hungry.. sister ask me to eat bread.. 
but.. last 2 days eh bread and yesterday eh bread mixed together, 
i don't know which 1 is yesterday eh, which 1 is earlier eh..
i not dare to eat.. feel curious?
hmm.. well.. got 1 time, i ate, without knowing is when eh, 
then what i get? stomach ache till wanna die..
so i not dare to take the risk again.. i really so hungry..
don't know why i think tiok him..
remember he last time said he want faster learn car then won't let me hungry.. 
hmm.. it's quite sweet but now is useless already..
i think i should forget.. if i can..
about 4pm something, they came back.. 
when mum said the first sentence to me, i know she wanna cry already..
hmm.. something happen to dad again.. i know..
mum tell me that doctor said need to operation for second time again..
because it spread to another place..
but have to wait for the time which suitable.. 
maybe after 1 month.. 
after she enter home, i know she want to cry but she tahan..
then i hug her.. she cried out....
that time i didn't feel wanna cry.. i don't know why.. 
i think i still can't back to the reality and accept the fact yet..
i still blur blur.. 
after that slowly, i felt wanna cry.. but i didn't cry..
i keep on tahan... 
mum said doctor want let dad back home, 
let us to wash his wound..
it's so deep, although i didn't see it in real, but i can feel it..
dad sure very painful.. and we pain in heart.. 
mum said it seem like cancer which will spread.. 
even operation cut that part, it spread to other place to grow again..
but doctor didn't say it is..
i feel very scare.. i feel worry.. i feel lost.. 
he said god is everywhere, but now, can i still believe that?
if got is everywhere, why HE didn't bless my dad???
my heart feel suffer, i want to cry, but not in front of my family..
when and where and with who can i cry it out......??