前晚躺在床上，
好想好想他。。。
想着想着，又哭了。。
不知怎么的，哭着哭着，
我忽然拿起我的电话，
发了一封信息给他。。
其实，
我说的“请原谅我”指的是，
原谅我那么就还放不下他，
过了那么久还会因为想他而哭等等。。
可是我没说。。
因为他的回复方式，让我觉得他有点不耐烦。。
或许只是我想太多了吧。。
但至少，他有回复，
原本睡不着的我，哭了，有了他的信息回复后，
带着泪，睡了。。。
昨晚，我又发了一封，
可是没回复了。。
嗯。。也对嘛。。
没什么好回复的。。
不是吗？
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
=')
我懂，是我太执著。。
我的执著让很多人都讨厌我。。
他们都说我不肯改。。
但有多少个知道，
我不是不要改。。
只是，有那么容易吗？
改，是改性格，可是心呢？
我可以连心也改吗？
怎么改？
开心时第一个想的人是他，希望可以和他分享。。
伤心时第一个想的人是他，希望他会安慰我。。
生气时第一个想的人是他，希望他会平息我。。
生病时第一个想的人是他，希望他会疼疼我。。
受伤时第一个想的人是他，希望他会心疼我。。
这些，我该怎么改？
需要人陪的时候，第一个想的，也是他。。
我告诉自己不要想着他，找朋友吧。。
可是，谁呢？我真的不懂我可以找谁。。
26/10/11晚上我发了一封信息给他，
说我恨他。。
可是，我真的恨他吗？
“我恨你”其实就是“我恨我自己这么爱你”嘛。。
他不懂。。
他不会懂的。。
即使他懂，他也不在乎了。。
他心里有别人了，怎么还会在乎我呢？
深夜的我真的很脆弱。。
尤其是失眠时，头痛却又睡不着。。
真的很想念他。。
昨晚。。。嗯。。
昨晚一些东西弄得我很痛苦。。
可是怎么我会发一封信息给他？
我也不懂。。
让他以为我恨他了，怎么我还不自觉地发信息给他。。
深夜的我怎么这么脆弱。。
但我知道他不会回复什么了。。
预料之中。。
那天，我看了一个句子，
“由始至终，你爱的是你自己，不是他”，
我想了想，是吧？
我爱我自己，所以希望他是我的。。
可是他并不要我啊！
即使他是我的，他也不会开心，那算是爱他吗？
不是。。我爱他，就应该让他开开心心地和他爱的人在一起。。
嗯。。
我以为我办得到。。
可是，怎么我还是那么想念他？
怎么我将他当成了我的全世界？
没了他，没了全世界。。
我好想你。。。
我的执著让很多人都讨厌我。。
他们都说我不肯改。。
但有多少个知道，
我不是不要改。。
只是，有那么容易吗？
改，是改性格，可是心呢？
我可以连心也改吗？
怎么改？
开心时第一个想的人是他，希望可以和他分享。。
伤心时第一个想的人是他，希望他会安慰我。。
生气时第一个想的人是他，希望他会平息我。。
生病时第一个想的人是他，希望他会疼疼我。。
受伤时第一个想的人是他，希望他会心疼我。。
这些，我该怎么改？
需要人陪的时候，第一个想的，也是他。。
我告诉自己不要想着他，找朋友吧。。
可是，谁呢？我真的不懂我可以找谁。。
26/10/11晚上我发了一封信息给他，
说我恨他。。
可是，我真的恨他吗？
“我恨你”其实就是“我恨我自己这么爱你”嘛。。
他不懂。。
他不会懂的。。
即使他懂，他也不在乎了。。
他心里有别人了，怎么还会在乎我呢？
深夜的我真的很脆弱。。
尤其是失眠时，头痛却又睡不着。。
真的很想念他。。
昨晚。。。嗯。。
昨晚一些东西弄得我很痛苦。。
可是怎么我会发一封信息给他？
我也不懂。。
让他以为我恨他了，怎么我还不自觉地发信息给他。。
深夜的我怎么这么脆弱。。
但我知道他不会回复什么了。。
预料之中。。
那天，我看了一个句子，
“由始至终，你爱的是你自己，不是他”，
我想了想，是吧？
我爱我自己，所以希望他是我的。。
可是他并不要我啊！
即使他是我的，他也不会开心，那算是爱他吗？
不是。。我爱他，就应该让他开开心心地和他爱的人在一起。。
嗯。。
我以为我办得到。。
可是，怎么我还是那么想念他？
怎么我将他当成了我的全世界？
没了他，没了全世界。。
我好想你。。。
Friday, October 21, 2011
21/10/11
今天他没去学校。。她也没去。。
好想发一封信息给他，
可是想了想，
我答应过我自己的，
我的五封信息，他没回复，我不再发信息的。。
虽然忍得很辛苦，可是我还是忍住了。。
而且想到某些事，还是不发了。。
况且他要的信息也不是来自我的啊。。
下午不打算睡午觉的，
可是上网着，忽然天暗了，
打雷下大雨了，
没办法，被逼关电脑。。
关了电脑，却没事做。。
所以就进房间，抱着枕头，
大概是跪着，可是身体是趴着的。。
慢慢地好像要睡了，
就睡着了。。
半醒时，原来妈妈在念我。。
念我什么呢？
说我怎么可以这样睡。。
因为我的脚是弯着的，而且我身体压着我那弯着的脚。。
妈妈帮我伸直我的脚，
可是我却感觉很痛，
完全无法伸直。。
感觉好像残废了似的。。
今天感觉晕晕的。。我究竟是怎么了。。
而且我背很痛，大概是因为下雨冷天。。
我的腰很痛，大概是因为来月经。。
我快要粉身碎骨了。。
今天10月21号了，再一个月就STPM了。。
老实说，我还没读书，但别人都不信。。
在学校没心读，在家里有电脑也不能读。。
我好希望有人能带我去宁静的地方陪我一起读书。。
下雨天。。好冷。。
好想发一封信息给他，
可是想了想，
我答应过我自己的，
我的五封信息，他没回复，我不再发信息的。。
虽然忍得很辛苦，可是我还是忍住了。。
而且想到某些事，还是不发了。。
况且他要的信息也不是来自我的啊。。
下午不打算睡午觉的，
可是上网着，忽然天暗了，
打雷下大雨了，
没办法，被逼关电脑。。
关了电脑，却没事做。。
所以就进房间，抱着枕头，
大概是跪着，可是身体是趴着的。。
慢慢地好像要睡了，
就睡着了。。
半醒时，原来妈妈在念我。。
念我什么呢？
说我怎么可以这样睡。。
因为我的脚是弯着的，而且我身体压着我那弯着的脚。。
妈妈帮我伸直我的脚，
可是我却感觉很痛，
完全无法伸直。。
感觉好像残废了似的。。
今天感觉晕晕的。。我究竟是怎么了。。
而且我背很痛，大概是因为下雨冷天。。
我的腰很痛，大概是因为来月经。。
我快要粉身碎骨了。。
今天10月21号了，再一个月就STPM了。。
老实说，我还没读书，但别人都不信。。
在学校没心读，在家里有电脑也不能读。。
我好希望有人能带我去宁静的地方陪我一起读书。。
下雨天。。好冷。。
Thursday, October 20, 2011
down
每天早上我到学校，都会看看手表，
看看会不会那么巧碰见他呢？
今天，我走着的时候，要过另外一边，
但看见后面有车亮着灯，只看见灯，因为太暗了。。
由于我不是很会过马路的，我不会估计我能否过，
所以我就站着等车过。。
啊！原来是。。。他。
其实呢，今天早上很希望有人能在班上陪我。。
因为我睡觉时发了恶梦。。
梦里暗暗的。。我很害怕。。
当然醒来后就没那么怕了。。
只是我一到班上，看见班上那么暗，
我忽然间害怕起来。。
而且大多数整排教室，只有我一人。。
虽然后来开了灯，但还是怕怕。。
但我清楚知道不会有人来陪我。。
休息节他跟我打招呼，
我怎么愣了？
不懂怎么做才好。。
走了几步，我才回头说“哈咯”。。
可是，他头也没回了。。
他听到了吗？
都没关系了啦。。
不过他这句“哈咯”让我很肯定的就是，
我在他心里已经是一个过客了。。
他对我没有任何矛盾。。
他完全忘了过去的。。
只是唯有我。。。。。
嗯。。
今天好辛苦。。经痛。。
唉。。只是，再也没有人关心了。。
好冷。。也不会有人关心了。。
就算真的有，也只是朋友，不可能是他了。。
他post东西，tag她，
我很希望我从没看见。。
可是为什么我就是看见了？
我能做什么让我自己忘了？
我心里真的很不舒服。。
可是我又能做些什么呢？
她的生日，他会怎么和她过呢？
送她些什么呢？
我知道这都不管我的事，
但不懂为什么，我一想到这些东西，
就觉得很伤。。
我对我自己说，不要希望他会发信息给我了。。
之前的五封信息没有回复，我不要再发了。。
也别再希望他会发给我。。
只是我发现，我还是会时不时看一看电话，
看的时候还是会抱着希望呢。。
只是，换来的却是一次又一次的失望而已。。
昨天他匆匆从我旁边冲过，
问我考得怎样。。
不过。。
我记得以前报名的时候，他有问过我有没有重考了。
而我说没有，他说有人陪他了。。
可是现在，他竟然问我考得怎样。。
嗯。。
证明什么？
证明他心里真的没有我。。
我说过的话，他当然不会记得。。
我对他来说只是一个过客啊！
根本就不重要。。
只是，他对我很重要而已。。
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
生病+今天
最近生病了。。
发烧、感冒、喉咙痛、咳嗽、头痛、等等。。
全部一起来袭击我。。
我怎么还希望他会关心我呢？
这是不可能的事嘛！
所以啊，不要再希望了，知道吗？嗯。。
昨天就知道今天去上课的人很少了。。
今天，不包括考MUET的，
真正上课的就只有3个人，
当然包括我了。。
觉得好笑的就是，
当lower6的人（好几个）一开门时候的反应，
还有老师进班时的反应。。
她们都问我，为什么病了还要去学校？
嗯。。很好的一个问题。。
我也不知道。。就只是不想ponteng罢了。。
今天是1:45pm放学的，
但因为只有3个人，
所以我们可以1:10pm回。。
我呢？我等到1:20pm才去等巴士。。
猜猜看等到几点?
嗯。。等到1:45pm，也就是正常放学时间。。
早知道我就干脆留在班里好了。。
搭巴士和驾车就是不一样呢！
我1:20pm离开学校，XF1:45pm离开学校，
可是，我们竟然一起到家呢！
唉。。
其实等巴士的时候，我蛮怕自己会晕倒的。。
因为生病比较弱嘛。。
救命啊！咳嗽咳到喉咙都要破了。。
好辛苦。。
Sunday, October 16, 2011
16/10/11
不知怎么的，昨晚睡不着。。
一要入睡，就被惊醒。。
很多次。。
到底是怎么了？为什么会这样？
完全睡不到。。
后来慢慢地，经过很多次后，
终于能睡了。。
但我却梦了一些东西。。
我梦见了他。。
他说我很烦。。
我很伤心。。。
醒来后发现原来是梦。。
但依然觉得很伤心。。
他在我梦里说我烦。。
那么现实生活中呢？
他会不会也这样觉得？
如果会，那么请他直接告诉我。。
那样我会逼自己不再烦他的。。
只是，他什么都不会说。。
即使他讨厌一个人，他也不会说。。
今天要带爸爸回家了。。
只是。。一个月后还要动手术第二次。。
今天带他回家，肯定又要吵架了。。
为了什么？
抽烟呢！他肯定要抽烟的。。
我们不让，肯定又要吵架了。。
还有。。
钱钱钱。。
除了钱，还是钱。。
他在医院，也只顾着他的钱。。
姐姐去探望他，他却在那里一一数着，
回家要跟妈妈拿回的。。
他怎么都不想想看，动手术不用钱吗？住院不用钱吗？
还要动手术第二次呢！都免费吗？不可能吧？
还有，买那些要跟他洗伤口的器具，不用钱吗？
不懂他多久不能做工，几个月。。
没有工钱啊！
怎么他都不想想看？！！
我们为了他哭，他却只顾着他的钱。。
在他眼里，就只有钱吗？我们呢？我们算是什么？
我在学校，只有星期二和四才有吃东西，
星期一、三、五都没吃，挨饿呢！
我只是想可以剩一点点也好。。因为没那么迟回。。
虽然是很饿，我还是忍着呢！
只是每天搭巴士就没办法剩。。
妈妈说：“钞票钞票，有人为你笑，有人为你哭，有人为你死”
嗯。。可不是吗？
钱嘛！生不带来，死不带去。。
钱是身外物。。
但怎么他只顾着钱呢？
肯定他们又要为钱而吵架了。。
救命啊！！
钱，就是恶魔！
嗯。。没人能理解我的状况。。
跟任何人说也没用。。
所以写出来，发泄一下，希望会比较好。。
但，我终究还是希望有人安慰。。
一要入睡，就被惊醒。。
很多次。。
到底是怎么了？为什么会这样？
完全睡不到。。
后来慢慢地，经过很多次后，
终于能睡了。。
但我却梦了一些东西。。
我梦见了他。。
他说我很烦。。
我很伤心。。。
醒来后发现原来是梦。。
但依然觉得很伤心。。
他在我梦里说我烦。。
那么现实生活中呢？
他会不会也这样觉得？
如果会，那么请他直接告诉我。。
那样我会逼自己不再烦他的。。
只是，他什么都不会说。。
即使他讨厌一个人，他也不会说。。
今天要带爸爸回家了。。
只是。。一个月后还要动手术第二次。。
今天带他回家，肯定又要吵架了。。
为了什么？
抽烟呢！他肯定要抽烟的。。
我们不让，肯定又要吵架了。。
还有。。
钱钱钱。。
除了钱，还是钱。。
他在医院，也只顾着他的钱。。
姐姐去探望他，他却在那里一一数着，
回家要跟妈妈拿回的。。
他怎么都不想想看，动手术不用钱吗？住院不用钱吗？
还要动手术第二次呢！都免费吗？不可能吧？
还有，买那些要跟他洗伤口的器具，不用钱吗？
不懂他多久不能做工，几个月。。
没有工钱啊！
怎么他都不想想看？！！
我们为了他哭，他却只顾着他的钱。。
在他眼里，就只有钱吗？我们呢？我们算是什么？
我在学校，只有星期二和四才有吃东西，
星期一、三、五都没吃，挨饿呢！
我只是想可以剩一点点也好。。因为没那么迟回。。
虽然是很饿，我还是忍着呢！
只是每天搭巴士就没办法剩。。
妈妈说：“钞票钞票，有人为你笑，有人为你哭，有人为你死”
嗯。。可不是吗？
钱嘛！生不带来，死不带去。。
钱是身外物。。
但怎么他只顾着钱呢？
肯定他们又要为钱而吵架了。。
救命啊！！
钱，就是恶魔！
嗯。。没人能理解我的状况。。
跟任何人说也没用。。
所以写出来，发泄一下，希望会比较好。。
但，我终究还是希望有人安慰。。
Saturday, October 15, 2011
这几天
这几天想写，可是却没写，
一天一天过了，想些什么，也不想写了。。
或许人的感情也是这样吧？
日复一日，渐渐地冷淡了。。
只是，为何我对感情还是无法冷淡？
14号，是他的生日，
那天早上有数学小考，
但13号下午到晚上，花了几个小时，我没看数学，
却在画猪。。
弄成貌似卡片。。
一只雄一只雌。。
结果却被我姐姐看见，说了出来，
妈妈知道我在画，就问我给谁的。。
我。。。我要怎么回答呢？
于是我沉默。。
她们又继续问。。
妈妈忽然问我是不是要给她的惊喜？
我。。。我怎么能说不是？
我真的不懂怎么回答。。
或许过后我再画多一个给她吧！
可是或许会有瑕疵了。。
因为没什么心再画了。。
信呢？信是12号晚上写的。。
通常我晚上会更emo。。
所以通常晚上我比较希望有人陪。。
至于他的名字，
是九月多就弄了的。。
老实说，
我应该是第一次躺在床上撑着不睡，
只为了等十二点祝他生日快乐。。
虽然以前有为他而迟睡，
但那时是他陪着我啊，而且是一直聊不停。。
而现在是我一人独自等。。
第一次。。
14号早上，我故意比平时早起，
完成要给他的东西。。
其实，这样为他而牺牲睡眠，值得吗？
或许如果别人知道的话，他们会觉得不值得，
但我呢？我没觉得什么。。
我只是要送他。。
迟睡早起，这也是我生病的其中一个原因吗？
我不知道。。
我还没到学校，在巴士里就看见他驾车过。。
他到了学校，我才到。。
他当然没看到我，但我看到他。。
就像那天他在绑鞋带，我慢慢地走上楼。。
如果他后面有眼睛，一定看见我。。
我觉得分手后，我每次只看见他的背影。。
那也好吧？
后来他也来我班，因为我有说要见他一下，
其实只需要几秒，送他。。
但我很遗憾的是，
看他坐在那里，但我就是无法给他。。
很奇怪吧？
他坐了一下，没出声，后来走开了。。唉。。
没关系，我去他班给他。。
只是，怎么他班那时候也有人。。。
但没办法。。就直接放在他的书包。。
放了我就走。。他说谢谢，我却不懂怎么回应。。
就什么也没说。。
他班的人和他庆祝，他应该很开心吧？
不。。应该说，他一定很开心。。
今年也不只是我送他礼物。。
不像去年。。
忽然觉得，我像是什么似的，
阻碍了他。。
他和我在一起时，他只有我。。
他离开我后，他像是有了全世界，有了更多的朋友。。
而我，却失去了全世界了。。
没关系。。他开心就好了。。
后来收到他的信息，他说喜欢我的礼物。。
我希望他真的喜欢。。
或许不是最喜欢，但至少他喜欢就好了。
我还奢望什么呢？
虽然他说想和他聊天的话可以发信息给他，
他有空会回复，可是，我怎么知道他几时有空几时没空呢？
每次我想和他聊天，我发信息给他的话，
会觉得我自己很烦他。。
如果他偶尔先发给我，那又不一样啊！
生病了还要看account，因为隔天有考试。。
真的很不舒服。。
吃了那么多药，却不能睡觉。。
老师本来说在学校用上课时间给三班一起考，
可是时间不配，所以就星期六，
明明说不逼我们的，可是那天，还是一个一个问我们理由。。
我没理由，就很潇洒拿了名单签名。。
后来，有原因的人也被他逼去考试了。。
他说他选人逼的。。或许他选的人，是有原因吧？
搭巴士就是不好。。不知道几时有巴士。
那么早到学校，没什么人。。
只有guide，老师，YN和我而已。。
考完回家吃了面、上了fb check status后，
我就去睡了。。
病还没好。。
今天又挨饿了。。他们出去，就在外面吃，
而我每个周末在家，就挨饿。。
怎么能不瘦呢？
嗯。。我开了个玩笑，他就说不好笑。。唉。。
还给了 == 的表情。。
嗯。。我不喜欢他给我这个表情。。
看了会不开心，但别人的就不会。。
为什么？
唉。。
别想了。。别想了。。
再怎么想也没用嘛！
不是吗？
只是，如果我能控制，那就好了。。
一天一天过了，想些什么，也不想写了。。
或许人的感情也是这样吧？
日复一日，渐渐地冷淡了。。
只是，为何我对感情还是无法冷淡？
14号，是他的生日，
那天早上有数学小考，
但13号下午到晚上，花了几个小时，我没看数学，
却在画猪。。
弄成貌似卡片。。
一只雄一只雌。。
结果却被我姐姐看见，说了出来，
妈妈知道我在画，就问我给谁的。。
我。。。我要怎么回答呢？
于是我沉默。。
她们又继续问。。
妈妈忽然问我是不是要给她的惊喜？
我。。。我怎么能说不是？
我真的不懂怎么回答。。
或许过后我再画多一个给她吧！
可是或许会有瑕疵了。。
因为没什么心再画了。。
信呢？信是12号晚上写的。。
通常我晚上会更emo。。
所以通常晚上我比较希望有人陪。。
至于他的名字，
是九月多就弄了的。。
老实说，
我应该是第一次躺在床上撑着不睡，
只为了等十二点祝他生日快乐。。
虽然以前有为他而迟睡，
但那时是他陪着我啊，而且是一直聊不停。。
而现在是我一人独自等。。
第一次。。
14号早上，我故意比平时早起，
完成要给他的东西。。
其实，这样为他而牺牲睡眠，值得吗？
或许如果别人知道的话，他们会觉得不值得，
但我呢？我没觉得什么。。
我只是要送他。。
迟睡早起，这也是我生病的其中一个原因吗？
我不知道。。
我还没到学校，在巴士里就看见他驾车过。。
他到了学校，我才到。。
他当然没看到我，但我看到他。。
就像那天他在绑鞋带，我慢慢地走上楼。。
如果他后面有眼睛，一定看见我。。
我觉得分手后，我每次只看见他的背影。。
那也好吧？
后来他也来我班，因为我有说要见他一下，
其实只需要几秒，送他。。
但我很遗憾的是，
看他坐在那里，但我就是无法给他。。
很奇怪吧？
他坐了一下，没出声，后来走开了。。唉。。
没关系，我去他班给他。。
只是，怎么他班那时候也有人。。。
但没办法。。就直接放在他的书包。。
放了我就走。。他说谢谢，我却不懂怎么回应。。
就什么也没说。。
他班的人和他庆祝，他应该很开心吧？
不。。应该说，他一定很开心。。
今年也不只是我送他礼物。。
不像去年。。
忽然觉得，我像是什么似的，
阻碍了他。。
他和我在一起时，他只有我。。
他离开我后，他像是有了全世界，有了更多的朋友。。
而我，却失去了全世界了。。
没关系。。他开心就好了。。
后来收到他的信息，他说喜欢我的礼物。。
我希望他真的喜欢。。
或许不是最喜欢，但至少他喜欢就好了。
我还奢望什么呢？
虽然他说想和他聊天的话可以发信息给他，
他有空会回复，可是，我怎么知道他几时有空几时没空呢？
每次我想和他聊天，我发信息给他的话，
会觉得我自己很烦他。。
如果他偶尔先发给我，那又不一样啊！
生病了还要看account，因为隔天有考试。。
真的很不舒服。。
吃了那么多药，却不能睡觉。。
老师本来说在学校用上课时间给三班一起考，
可是时间不配，所以就星期六，
明明说不逼我们的，可是那天，还是一个一个问我们理由。。
我没理由，就很潇洒拿了名单签名。。
后来，有原因的人也被他逼去考试了。。
他说他选人逼的。。或许他选的人，是有原因吧？
搭巴士就是不好。。不知道几时有巴士。
那么早到学校，没什么人。。
只有guide，老师，YN和我而已。。
考完回家吃了面、上了fb check status后，
我就去睡了。。
病还没好。。
今天又挨饿了。。他们出去，就在外面吃，
而我每个周末在家，就挨饿。。
怎么能不瘦呢？
嗯。。我开了个玩笑，他就说不好笑。。唉。。
还给了 == 的表情。。
嗯。。我不喜欢他给我这个表情。。
看了会不开心，但别人的就不会。。
为什么？
唉。。
别想了。。别想了。。
再怎么想也没用嘛！
不是吗？
只是，如果我能控制，那就好了。。
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
12/10/11
so bad so bad!!!!!
tomorrow they all ponteng..
leave me alone.. haiz..
today was mr.Tan retirement..
a chinese sang mandarin song (normal),
2 indian sang cantonese song (wow),
1 chinese sang indian song (WAH!),
then a malay sang malay song (normal)..
eh, why no english song? haiya.. i go sing mah.. haha..
arts 5 students all stand on the car,
i kinda envy lor..
i want also..
for sure very syok eh..
i never got that experience..
i want!!!
dreaming lor..
so scary..
after school, i went to toilet,
then i switch on 1 of the light,
when i press,
it came out with "bssss" sound..
seem like tiok sot eh sound..
and the light keep on blink blink blink..
and the "bssss" sound quite long time..
i really scare..
and luckily it didn't sot me..
if not i won't be at here writing blog already..
after that, my friend want to bet something with Mc Lunch,
but i straight refuse..
after that, the result was, actually she lose..
haiya.. i should say "OK" de mah..
see, buta boh Mc eat liao..
tomorrow they all ponteng..
leave me alone.. haiz..
today was mr.Tan retirement..
a chinese sang mandarin song (normal),
2 indian sang cantonese song (wow),
1 chinese sang indian song (WAH!),
then a malay sang malay song (normal)..
eh, why no english song? haiya.. i go sing mah.. haha..
arts 5 students all stand on the car,
i kinda envy lor..
i want also..
for sure very syok eh..
i never got that experience..
i want!!!
dreaming lor..
so scary..
after school, i went to toilet,
then i switch on 1 of the light,
when i press,
it came out with "bssss" sound..
seem like tiok sot eh sound..
and the light keep on blink blink blink..
and the "bssss" sound quite long time..
i really scare..
and luckily it didn't sot me..
if not i won't be at here writing blog already..
after that, my friend want to bet something with Mc Lunch,
but i straight refuse..
after that, the result was, actually she lose..
haiya.. i should say "OK" de mah..
see, buta boh Mc eat liao..
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
发脾气
被你骗了两次，我告诉自己，不会再有下次了！
两天了，同一回事上演，
我七点多吃了晚餐，八点多姐姐回家，说只有她一人吃，
要人陪她，所以我又吃一点点，也顺便陪她。。
但怎么了？
她吃饱后，洗了手，掉头就走了。。
盘碗也没洗。。
盘碗没洗，对她来说是一件正常的事。。
她专把家当成kopitiam。。
而我的原则是，个人洗个人的。。
我没有要你帮我洗，我也不要你丢着给我洗。。
如果是我一人吃的，就算再怎么多，我也洗得心服口服。。
但别人的我就是办不到。。
偶尔爸爸吃了丢着，我会不爽，但还是会洗。
偶尔妈妈也没洗，我自愿帮她洗。。
因为她不能碰太多水，尤其是晚上。。
虽然我也会冷。。
而哥哥呢？他自己洗自己的，很少丢着没洗。。
偶尔他会放着，但我也认这帮他洗了。。
而姐姐呢？大多数都像是吃kopitiam的。。
而且晚上了，我冷。。还要碰水。。
明知道我也风湿。。。
前几天脚痛到无话可说。。
只有一个朋友问起我怎么了。。
要说我斤斤计较也好，说我自私也罢。。
我就是我。。
如果只是偶尔，那没关系。
但她是差不多每次。。
而且连续两晚都这样。。
有种被欺骗的感觉。。
我也有脾气的！
你很会做人，装成很疼我似的。。
原来是有目的的。。
如果是我妈妈，或是疼爱我的老公，
那我自愿。
但她两个都不是。。
算了！反正，不会有第三次了！
顺便说说今天吧！
嗯。。昨晚又梦见他了。
人家说“日有所思，夜有所梦”，
是因为我太想他了吗？哎。。我真不该。。
早上我朋友离开班去找人，
我后来想去找她，所以就出去往楼下一看，
看见他在他车那里。。
后来我下楼去，看着他的背影，越走越远。。
你知道吗？我就在你后面。。你不知道。。
今天看见他好多次，但都只是他的背后。。
当然他不知道。。也没看见我。。
考完预试，还没STPM，但却一连串的小考来袭击。。
上星期五，考2006年的数学，虽然我抄过，但我不会做。。
这星期五，考2007年的。。这几天做2007年的练习，但我不会做。。
好希望有人教。。
而星期六，早上七点半到十点半，考account paper 2，
很不想搭巴士。。
好希望有人载我。。
嗯。。在梦里或许会实现吧？
现实依然是现实。。
今天班上只有19个人。。
她们都ponteng，剩我一个。。
还好YN考虑后决定去，不然真的只有我。。
他们在班上说什么走路“内八”“外八”的。。
普通人走路，是“外八”，
他们笑那些走路“内八”的。。
嗯。。我心里也不好受。。
因为我是“内八”的。。
天生就是这样。。我也没办法。。唉。。
肚子有点痛痛的。。希望不要有事。。
两天了，同一回事上演，
我七点多吃了晚餐，八点多姐姐回家，说只有她一人吃，
要人陪她，所以我又吃一点点，也顺便陪她。。
但怎么了？
她吃饱后，洗了手，掉头就走了。。
盘碗也没洗。。
盘碗没洗，对她来说是一件正常的事。。
她专把家当成kopitiam。。
而我的原则是，个人洗个人的。。
我没有要你帮我洗，我也不要你丢着给我洗。。
如果是我一人吃的，就算再怎么多，我也洗得心服口服。。
但别人的我就是办不到。。
偶尔爸爸吃了丢着，我会不爽，但还是会洗。
偶尔妈妈也没洗，我自愿帮她洗。。
因为她不能碰太多水，尤其是晚上。。
虽然我也会冷。。
而哥哥呢？他自己洗自己的，很少丢着没洗。。
偶尔他会放着，但我也认这帮他洗了。。
而姐姐呢？大多数都像是吃kopitiam的。。
而且晚上了，我冷。。还要碰水。。
明知道我也风湿。。。
前几天脚痛到无话可说。。
只有一个朋友问起我怎么了。。
要说我斤斤计较也好，说我自私也罢。。
我就是我。。
如果只是偶尔，那没关系。
但她是差不多每次。。
而且连续两晚都这样。。
有种被欺骗的感觉。。
我也有脾气的！
你很会做人，装成很疼我似的。。
原来是有目的的。。
如果是我妈妈，或是疼爱我的老公，
那我自愿。
但她两个都不是。。
算了！反正，不会有第三次了！
顺便说说今天吧！
嗯。。昨晚又梦见他了。
人家说“日有所思，夜有所梦”，
是因为我太想他了吗？哎。。我真不该。。
早上我朋友离开班去找人，
我后来想去找她，所以就出去往楼下一看，
看见他在他车那里。。
后来我下楼去，看着他的背影，越走越远。。
你知道吗？我就在你后面。。你不知道。。
今天看见他好多次，但都只是他的背后。。
当然他不知道。。也没看见我。。
考完预试，还没STPM，但却一连串的小考来袭击。。
上星期五，考2006年的数学，虽然我抄过，但我不会做。。
这星期五，考2007年的。。这几天做2007年的练习，但我不会做。。
好希望有人教。。
而星期六，早上七点半到十点半，考account paper 2，
很不想搭巴士。。
好希望有人载我。。
嗯。。在梦里或许会实现吧？
现实依然是现实。。
今天班上只有19个人。。
她们都ponteng，剩我一个。。
还好YN考虑后决定去，不然真的只有我。。
他们在班上说什么走路“内八”“外八”的。。
普通人走路，是“外八”，
他们笑那些走路“内八”的。。
嗯。。我心里也不好受。。
因为我是“内八”的。。
天生就是这样。。我也没办法。。唉。。
肚子有点痛痛的。。希望不要有事。。
Sunday, October 9, 2011
operation 2nd time
today,
breakfast + lunch = 12 biscuits..
i am not want to keep fit, but nothing to eat..
what to do? early in the morning, sister fetch mum out already..
till afternoon, come back put things that they bought
and take something then go out again..
i felt so hungry.. sister ask me to eat bread..
but.. last 2 days eh bread and yesterday eh bread mixed together,
i don't know which 1 is yesterday eh, which 1 is earlier eh..
i not dare to eat.. feel curious?
hmm.. well.. got 1 time, i ate, without knowing is when eh,
then what i get? stomach ache till wanna die..
so i not dare to take the risk again.. i really so hungry..
don't know why i think tiok him..
remember he last time said he want faster learn car then won't let me hungry..
hmm.. it's quite sweet but now is useless already..
i think i should forget.. if i can..
about 4pm something, they came back..
when mum said the first sentence to me, i know she wanna cry already..
hmm.. something happen to dad again.. i know..
mum tell me that doctor said need to operation for second time again..
because it spread to another place..
but have to wait for the time which suitable..
maybe after 1 month..
after she enter home, i know she want to cry but she tahan..
then i hug her.. she cried out....
that time i didn't feel wanna cry.. i don't know why..
i think i still can't back to the reality and accept the fact yet..
i still blur blur..
after that slowly, i felt wanna cry.. but i didn't cry..
i keep on tahan...
mum said doctor want let dad back home,
let us to wash his wound..
it's so deep, although i didn't see it in real, but i can feel it..
dad sure very painful.. and we pain in heart..
mum said it seem like cancer which will spread..
even operation cut that part, it spread to other place to grow again..
but doctor didn't say it is..
i feel very scare.. i feel worry.. i feel lost..
he said god is everywhere, but now, can i still believe that?
if got is everywhere, why HE didn't bless my dad???
my heart feel suffer, i want to cry, but not in front of my family..
when and where and with who can i cry it out......??
breakfast + lunch = 12 biscuits..
i am not want to keep fit, but nothing to eat..
what to do? early in the morning, sister fetch mum out already..
till afternoon, come back put things that they bought
and take something then go out again..
i felt so hungry.. sister ask me to eat bread..
but.. last 2 days eh bread and yesterday eh bread mixed together,
i don't know which 1 is yesterday eh, which 1 is earlier eh..
i not dare to eat.. feel curious?
hmm.. well.. got 1 time, i ate, without knowing is when eh,
then what i get? stomach ache till wanna die..
so i not dare to take the risk again.. i really so hungry..
don't know why i think tiok him..
remember he last time said he want faster learn car then won't let me hungry..
hmm.. it's quite sweet but now is useless already..
i think i should forget.. if i can..
about 4pm something, they came back..
when mum said the first sentence to me, i know she wanna cry already..
hmm.. something happen to dad again.. i know..
mum tell me that doctor said need to operation for second time again..
because it spread to another place..
but have to wait for the time which suitable..
maybe after 1 month..
after she enter home, i know she want to cry but she tahan..
then i hug her.. she cried out....
that time i didn't feel wanna cry.. i don't know why..
i think i still can't back to the reality and accept the fact yet..
i still blur blur..
after that slowly, i felt wanna cry.. but i didn't cry..
i keep on tahan...
mum said doctor want let dad back home,
let us to wash his wound..
it's so deep, although i didn't see it in real, but i can feel it..
dad sure very painful.. and we pain in heart..
mum said it seem like cancer which will spread..
even operation cut that part, it spread to other place to grow again..
but doctor didn't say it is..
i feel very scare.. i feel worry.. i feel lost..
he said god is everywhere, but now, can i still believe that?
if got is everywhere, why HE didn't bless my dad???
my heart feel suffer, i want to cry, but not in front of my family..
when and where and with who can i cry it out......??
Saturday, October 8, 2011
what i need...?
just now received a message, is from him..
hmm.. at school morning although all people see that i am sleeping,
but in fact, i am not..
i just feel bored and don't know what to do because reach school so early..
and no people accompany me..
so just lie on table.. because sleepy..
but i am not the kind of easily fall asleep..
after that his message, i received another, is from my sister..
that time my mum and sis was at hospital..
the message content was said about my dad..
suddenly bleed a a lot..
suddenly i felt scare and worry..
feel like wanna cry..
i really scare....
GOD... where are you.....??
we felt that the doctor is don't wanna let my dad stay at hospital anymore,
want to let my dad back home..
but how about the deep wound?
that is the reason they at there for so long time..
the doctor teach them how to wash it..
why my dad is serious but then wanna let dad back home so fast?
and a guy who has already recover, can still stay in hospital for so long time?
that guy try to steel my dad's things in the midnight when my dad was sleep tight..
hospital is not a safety place..
but in hospital only got doctor and nurse take care him..
if got anything happen, got doctor too..
if he back home, if suddenly he bleed unstoppable again,
what to do??? we don't know anything..
why they so irresponsible?
because of it is GH but not private??
i hope GOD really at everywhere, just like what he told me..
and i hope God will bless my dad to recover..
he asked what happen, i didn't tell the whole thing, i just said family thing..
it is because i know it's useless even i say..
he end up conversation with "cheer up" only..
i think if i tell the whole thing, he will also reply the same words..
i know he not really care all things which related to me..
if he really care, he will see what i wrote at here..
and, he don't know i very very need him a lot at that time...
hmm.. at school morning although all people see that i am sleeping,
but in fact, i am not..
i just feel bored and don't know what to do because reach school so early..
and no people accompany me..
so just lie on table.. because sleepy..
but i am not the kind of easily fall asleep..
after that his message, i received another, is from my sister..
that time my mum and sis was at hospital..
the message content was said about my dad..
suddenly bleed a a lot..
suddenly i felt scare and worry..
feel like wanna cry..
i really scare....
GOD... where are you.....??
we felt that the doctor is don't wanna let my dad stay at hospital anymore,
want to let my dad back home..
but how about the deep wound?
that is the reason they at there for so long time..
the doctor teach them how to wash it..
why my dad is serious but then wanna let dad back home so fast?
and a guy who has already recover, can still stay in hospital for so long time?
that guy try to steel my dad's things in the midnight when my dad was sleep tight..
hospital is not a safety place..
but in hospital only got doctor and nurse take care him..
if got anything happen, got doctor too..
if he back home, if suddenly he bleed unstoppable again,
what to do??? we don't know anything..
why they so irresponsible?
because of it is GH but not private??
i hope GOD really at everywhere, just like what he told me..
and i hope God will bless my dad to recover..
he asked what happen, i didn't tell the whole thing, i just said family thing..
it is because i know it's useless even i say..
he end up conversation with "cheer up" only..
i think if i tell the whole thing, he will also reply the same words..
i know he not really care all things which related to me..
if he really care, he will see what i wrote at here..
and, he don't know i very very need him a lot at that time...
Friday, October 7, 2011
i am a normal human
i feel that people all around me leave me slowly..
they make me feel that they treat me like an alien..
but a am just a normal human like all of them..
i am just quite stubborn in relatiohship's thing..
i know its already 9 months, but i still unable to put down..
i know many people look down at me and leave me..
i know they all can easily put down..
but not all people are same like them..
every human have it's own characteristic..
i am the kind of 重感情, i can't easily forget about the past..
and my heart is still remain the same..
once i love a people, i won't easily change..
even if he do not love me in return..
just because i am not same kind of people with they all,
they don't even understand me..
they look me like an alien or worst than that..
they leave me and don't bother me..
ok.. what i want to say is that i am just a human..
i am just stubborn..
stubborn people is abnormal?
i feel hurt when friends treat me this way..
that day, my friend read a book and got a story is almost same case with me,
then she show it to others, then ask "u know who i mean?"
then another 1 answer "sure la, so obvious.."
well.. i am at there too..
i know they mention about me.. not i think too much..
but it is the fact.. she let me see it before that too..
then today, when SH reach school,
she ask YN want to change place with her or not,
then YN say don't want..
then another people said "sure don't want la, stupid ka want nia.."
hmm.. am i really so annoying to them?
i felt so hurt that being a friend will say out this in front of me..
although she is not a close friend, she is just a classmate,
but why i feel so hurt? i can just ignore what she said right?
after school SH and me walk out together,
she will not go to school for more than 1 week..
so i will be alone..
when walking out, headmaster just get into car and reverse..
i was behind the car..
nearly knock me..
luckily SH pull me away from there..
if not what will happen? hmm.. i don't know..
anyway, thanks her..
why i always don't know "see car"?
even on road also..
hmm.. i not really know how to cross the road..
when i waiting bus, i saw 2 of my friends come,
but they didn't come and find me,
they stand behind me, quite a distance..
then i go and find them..
but then they didn't talk with me..
i feel that i am just transparent to them..
even bus come, they don't care about me too..
i remember that day, got a people ask me,
"why they keep on talking and seem like ignore u?"
hmm.. a good question.. i also want to know..
but i just answer "maybe because of my characteristic is quite 孤僻"
but actually just no one bother me..
at home, i comment on a people's status,
then the status owner warn me..
why i feel so sad? i can don't bother what..
i feel like this world is no longer belong to me..
i feel like wanna to leave here and escape to a place which no one know me..
i know no matter how hard i try to not emo,
in their point of view,
an alien is an alien, won't change..
i know many people talk about me..
even i change, they will have a new topic about me to talk about also..
am i really so bad till they all want to leave me and don't want to bother me??
or just i think too much?
but this kind of feeling won't fake..
many people around me, but who really take me as a friend?
no need say as a best friend, just normal friend, who?
this few days morning i lie on table wanna sleep,
then today i only know that they said i down every morning recently..
hmm.. sleep also say me down??
and they said that i down because of those things again.. haiz..
ok.. i mention again.. I AM A NORMAL HUMAN!!!
i down not only for those things..
and also not every morning..
human need sleep, including me..
and every morning i reach school so early although that's not what i want..
try to think about it, if that they all reach school so early, what will they do?
sleep too right??
even those reach school late than me eh also sleep immediately when reach..
MBS is just a hell to me..
it's so horrible..
i don't know who really treat me as a friend from heart,
who treat me as a friend but hate me from heart..
when i face problems, i don't know who can i tell and talk to..
last time any problems, i will talk to him..
but now i can't anymore although i want to..
because last time he care everything about me while loves me,
now he won't care any single thing about me..
what i can do is just keep tahan only..
write on facebook also is my fault..
no one for me to talk to so i write it, but it makes me hate by them..
WHAT CAN I DO TO BECOME A NORMAL HUMAN TO U GUYS?
I FEEL SO TIRED..
I WANNA LEAVE...
they make me feel that they treat me like an alien..
but a am just a normal human like all of them..
i am just quite stubborn in relatiohship's thing..
i know its already 9 months, but i still unable to put down..
i know many people look down at me and leave me..
i know they all can easily put down..
but not all people are same like them..
every human have it's own characteristic..
i am the kind of 重感情, i can't easily forget about the past..
and my heart is still remain the same..
once i love a people, i won't easily change..
even if he do not love me in return..
just because i am not same kind of people with they all,
they don't even understand me..
they look me like an alien or worst than that..
they leave me and don't bother me..
ok.. what i want to say is that i am just a human..
i am just stubborn..
stubborn people is abnormal?
i feel hurt when friends treat me this way..
that day, my friend read a book and got a story is almost same case with me,
then she show it to others, then ask "u know who i mean?"
then another 1 answer "sure la, so obvious.."
well.. i am at there too..
i know they mention about me.. not i think too much..
but it is the fact.. she let me see it before that too..
then today, when SH reach school,
she ask YN want to change place with her or not,
then YN say don't want..
then another people said "sure don't want la, stupid ka want nia.."
hmm.. am i really so annoying to them?
i felt so hurt that being a friend will say out this in front of me..
although she is not a close friend, she is just a classmate,
but why i feel so hurt? i can just ignore what she said right?
after school SH and me walk out together,
she will not go to school for more than 1 week..
so i will be alone..
when walking out, headmaster just get into car and reverse..
i was behind the car..
nearly knock me..
luckily SH pull me away from there..
if not what will happen? hmm.. i don't know..
anyway, thanks her..
why i always don't know "see car"?
even on road also..
hmm.. i not really know how to cross the road..
when i waiting bus, i saw 2 of my friends come,
but they didn't come and find me,
they stand behind me, quite a distance..
then i go and find them..
but then they didn't talk with me..
i feel that i am just transparent to them..
even bus come, they don't care about me too..
i remember that day, got a people ask me,
"why they keep on talking and seem like ignore u?"
hmm.. a good question.. i also want to know..
but i just answer "maybe because of my characteristic is quite 孤僻"
but actually just no one bother me..
at home, i comment on a people's status,
then the status owner warn me..
why i feel so sad? i can don't bother what..
i feel like this world is no longer belong to me..
i feel like wanna to leave here and escape to a place which no one know me..
i know no matter how hard i try to not emo,
in their point of view,
an alien is an alien, won't change..
i know many people talk about me..
even i change, they will have a new topic about me to talk about also..
am i really so bad till they all want to leave me and don't want to bother me??
or just i think too much?
but this kind of feeling won't fake..
many people around me, but who really take me as a friend?
no need say as a best friend, just normal friend, who?
this few days morning i lie on table wanna sleep,
then today i only know that they said i down every morning recently..
hmm.. sleep also say me down??
and they said that i down because of those things again.. haiz..
ok.. i mention again.. I AM A NORMAL HUMAN!!!
i down not only for those things..
and also not every morning..
human need sleep, including me..
and every morning i reach school so early although that's not what i want..
try to think about it, if that they all reach school so early, what will they do?
sleep too right??
even those reach school late than me eh also sleep immediately when reach..
MBS is just a hell to me..
it's so horrible..
i don't know who really treat me as a friend from heart,
who treat me as a friend but hate me from heart..
when i face problems, i don't know who can i tell and talk to..
last time any problems, i will talk to him..
but now i can't anymore although i want to..
because last time he care everything about me while loves me,
now he won't care any single thing about me..
what i can do is just keep tahan only..
write on facebook also is my fault..
no one for me to talk to so i write it, but it makes me hate by them..
WHAT CAN I DO TO BECOME A NORMAL HUMAN TO U GUYS?
I FEEL SO TIRED..
I WANNA LEAVE...
Thursday, October 6, 2011
bless him pls..
i miss my dad very much..
and i feel so worry..
from the day i back from relay for life,
he already in the hospital..
till today, it's 5th day..
5 days i didn't see him..
tuesday night he operation, luckily it was successful..
cut of about 10cm x 10cm..
so deep.. sure very pain..
mum said from the starting,
doctor just plan to 打麻醉药 for half body only when operation..
but then because of he got mental problem,
so doctor decide to give for whole body..
when i heard that, i feel scare..
because last time mum said that her mother which is my grandmother,
is die because of doctor give too much 麻醉药 and cause unable to wake..
after operation, doctor said that my dad can back already..
but then it still so serious.. his wound need to wash..
they just simply ask go to clinic to wash it..
and we just have motors, don't have cars, how to go?
why they so irresponsible?
when say want operation, but didn't, delay for so long time..
and now, say out these words..
another people is like nothing happen because recover already but still can stay..
and my dad so serious then they just ask my dad leave?
yesterday when i reach home, i saw joss is still burning..
and 南无观世音菩萨 keep on playing so loud..
i felt scare.. thought something happen.. but luckily just i think too much..
today, school dismiss at 1:45pm,
i go out wait bus immediately,
but, well, i reach home at 2:45pm..
no transport is like that eh lo..
then after i ate, i sit in front of my computer,
i got feel that mum look weird today..
she just keep quiet..
after that, she ask me, want to know good news first or bad news first?
then i feel scare again.. i said bad news first,
then i saw her tears all gather in her eyes..
i know something happen, but i know she want to cry so can't say..
then she said wait she bath first then only tell me..
it made me more worry..
after that she tole me that, dad should operation for second time..
mum cried..
i cried too..
whyyyyy????
why does this happen????
God not around us? why God didn't bless my dad? haiz..
suddenly i think of what ah sam said that day..
he said that got a people, what what what..
it almost same like my dad case..
but the end, he said that people gone..
i felt very scare.. when i think of it, i cry again..
i don't want my dad same as that people..
no one will know.. i won't tell them..
i don't want they scare and worry more like me..
me enough already..
just now sister said no need operation for second time already..
but that is just 实习医生 said only.. not the real doctor.. haiz..
of cause i hope no need.. because it sure very pain and got risks too..
5 days i didn't see my dad already..
tomorrow school dismiss at 12:20pm,
i plan mum take bus go there, then after school i walk to there,
meet together then walk to GH..
but don't know enough time or not..
time for visit just 12pm-1pm only..
but just now mum ask me wear school uniform go? i said yup.
mum not allow..
then i said i bring clothes to school change,
but she not allow too..
she said too rush..
haiz..
dad, u must recover faster, and back home..
and all GODs, please bless my dad..
didn't bless me never mind, but must bless my family..
it makes me worry not only this.. but also my mum and my brother..
mum's glucose level very high.. might get diabetes..
but her both legs wounded.. if really get diabetes, then her leg....? haiz..
and my brother at university now, he fever..
then he went for doctor, but doctor told him that he got 胃炎 ..
if didn't control well, it might turn to 胃癌..
Ahhhh!!!!!!
why all this come??
i feel scare and worry but nothing i can do..
i need some comfort... T^T
and i feel so worry..
from the day i back from relay for life,
he already in the hospital..
till today, it's 5th day..
5 days i didn't see him..
tuesday night he operation, luckily it was successful..
cut of about 10cm x 10cm..
so deep.. sure very pain..
mum said from the starting,
doctor just plan to 打麻醉药 for half body only when operation..
but then because of he got mental problem,
so doctor decide to give for whole body..
when i heard that, i feel scare..
because last time mum said that her mother which is my grandmother,
is die because of doctor give too much 麻醉药 and cause unable to wake..
after operation, doctor said that my dad can back already..
but then it still so serious.. his wound need to wash..
they just simply ask go to clinic to wash it..
and we just have motors, don't have cars, how to go?
why they so irresponsible?
when say want operation, but didn't, delay for so long time..
and now, say out these words..
another people is like nothing happen because recover already but still can stay..
and my dad so serious then they just ask my dad leave?
yesterday when i reach home, i saw joss is still burning..
and 南无观世音菩萨 keep on playing so loud..
i felt scare.. thought something happen.. but luckily just i think too much..
today, school dismiss at 1:45pm,
i go out wait bus immediately,
but, well, i reach home at 2:45pm..
no transport is like that eh lo..
then after i ate, i sit in front of my computer,
i got feel that mum look weird today..
she just keep quiet..
after that, she ask me, want to know good news first or bad news first?
then i feel scare again.. i said bad news first,
then i saw her tears all gather in her eyes..
i know something happen, but i know she want to cry so can't say..
then she said wait she bath first then only tell me..
it made me more worry..
after that she tole me that, dad should operation for second time..
mum cried..
i cried too..
whyyyyy????
why does this happen????
God not around us? why God didn't bless my dad? haiz..
suddenly i think of what ah sam said that day..
he said that got a people, what what what..
it almost same like my dad case..
but the end, he said that people gone..
i felt very scare.. when i think of it, i cry again..
i don't want my dad same as that people..
no one will know.. i won't tell them..
i don't want they scare and worry more like me..
me enough already..
just now sister said no need operation for second time already..
but that is just 实习医生 said only.. not the real doctor.. haiz..
of cause i hope no need.. because it sure very pain and got risks too..
5 days i didn't see my dad already..
tomorrow school dismiss at 12:20pm,
i plan mum take bus go there, then after school i walk to there,
meet together then walk to GH..
but don't know enough time or not..
time for visit just 12pm-1pm only..
but just now mum ask me wear school uniform go? i said yup.
mum not allow..
then i said i bring clothes to school change,
but she not allow too..
she said too rush..
haiz..
dad, u must recover faster, and back home..
and all GODs, please bless my dad..
didn't bless me never mind, but must bless my family..
it makes me worry not only this.. but also my mum and my brother..
mum's glucose level very high.. might get diabetes..
but her both legs wounded.. if really get diabetes, then her leg....? haiz..
and my brother at university now, he fever..
then he went for doctor, but doctor told him that he got 胃炎 ..
if didn't control well, it might turn to 胃癌..
Ahhhh!!!!!!
why all this come??
i feel scare and worry but nothing i can do..
i need some comfort... T^T
Monday, October 3, 2011
抒发情绪
today's ah sam class quite nice.. because less teaching..
1 period give exam paper, then another 1 period cover a bit basics,
n he tells story..
he said last time got a girl, her homework all very good,
result also very well, can answer questions..
but before STPM, her bf break up with her,
so guess what happen the next?
hmm.. yup.. she get bad result..
haiz.. why does boys like that? boys love to hurt girls?
hurting girls is their fun?
i don't know.. i am not a boy.. i had been hurting also..
i also want to know why..
some people can love the people he/she loves very long time,
maybe forever.. never change even the people he/she loves doesn't love him/her in return..
but majority of people, change easily..
because of something, their heart changed..
and hurting the people who loves him/her very much..
but they don't know that
no matter how deep or how many times they hurting the people who loves them,
those people will still loves him/her..
this kind of people will let others to look down,
take him/her as a topic and say him/her bad words..
the one who don't loves anymore and break up, people won't say about them..
but in opposite, the one who still loves him/her and can't forget or put down for a long time,
people will keep gossip about him/her.
seem familiar? hmm.. yup i know all people around me also gossip about me..
they look down at me..
上星期五是 prom night，
看了照片后，觉得那些女生的妆画得太浓，
变得很可怕。。
我不是要批评什么，因为我不懂得化妆。。
只是我实话实说。。
我觉得我比较最真实的大家。。
似乎每个女生都戴隐形眼镜来取代眼镜，
还好我没去。。因为我根本没有，而且也不会戴，不敢戴。。
是的，我也不会穿高跟鞋，不像其他正常的女生。。
我没有女人味。。但我就是我啊！
怎么这世界那么多人都喜欢虚伪的？
我最怕的就是会看见他和女生在一起。。
但我依然去打开朋友们上载的照片来看。。
目的只是找看有没有他。。
他穿蓝色衬衫，系一条蓝色领带。。
朋友说不怎么样。。
可怎么我觉得他很帅呢？
就算不要用帅来形容，
那我只能说，我还是那么喜欢看他。。
每次我都说着别的帅哥，可是他们只是帅，并没有吸引我。。
反而是他。。
看了照片，我很好奇。。
为什么那些不是情侣的男生和女生可以互相触碰身体？
我真的不懂。。
或许他们比较开放，而我比较保守吧？
毕竟我无法接受男生碰我。。除非是男友。。
怎么说？印象中，连我哥哥都没有抱过我，我长大后，爸爸也没抱过我。。
在我的范围内，我只能接受男女之间触碰只是当要叫对方时用食指动动两下而已。。
并不是像他们那种可以搂腰搭肩等等。。
对我来说，只有男友可以。。
当然也会希望男友这么做。。
是他们太开放，还是我太保守？
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Relay For Life
Now i only realise that i didn't update my blog for more than 1 month already..
actually, i feel don't wanna to update it already,
because no one will come and see so it seem a useless blog..
but now, i choose to update it because i feel that i want to speak out,
just speak out and hope i will feel better a bit..
yesterday 6pm till today 10am was Relay For Life..
YS fetch us go.. her car always "die fire" and always hon by others..
but what we can do is just ask her to take it easy, don't nervous and slowly..
after we reach there, no place to park, then park at grave there.. Amitabha..
then we walk around the field to find MBS,
but after we walk finish, didn't see..
why this year like that de? last year got de, and also got teacher at there..
we stand there, then LW suddenly say later got people come find us,
then we ask who, i forgot she said "C" or make the sound "ssssss"..
i know immediately but they don't know who yet..
then she ask me know who? i said i know..
after that he came, but just talk with them, not good for me to disturb..
after that he talking through the phone, of course i don't know is who..
girl perhaps..
then he join with girls a while..
and he plays with a girl..
then they said want go playground, so we go..
then meet tiok their classmates..
after that saw MBS and all people also walking already,
so we also go..
YS suddenly hold my hand,
i feel curious because she never do that to me although with others many times..
but it feel warm and make me think of him..
really hope that the hand is him.. (i know i am dreaming)
heard he talk with his friend about he 2am only reach home, etc..
YS angry her bf on that morning, so i am with her then my "dad" with LW..
then they say want to take things, so we go to her cars there which was far away..
my leg kinda pain but i didn't tell anyone because useless..
YS say she no energy so i pull her at front and push her at back..
then we remind of last time merentas desa,
forgot which year already, at botanical garden,
i no energy then she bring me..
we back to the field and find a place to make tent, but it's near to the toilet..
she brought a pair of skating shoes,
she want to try and his bf was there too, so i slowly leave and let her bf with her..
then slowly, they both ok back already..
LW and YS say want to buy food, so i go with them..
but the whole way, just they both buy, i didn't buy at all..
don't know why..
then meet tiok him.. he was buying something..
we continue to walk and see, then suddenly no light..
oh my god.. i scare too dark de..
but i have torch light..
after that lights come back.. we met tiok him again,
he was sit beside a girl..
he give RM3 coupon to LW..
when we back tent, it's so dark..
if too dark, i not dare to move..
how i wish he will be by my side.. (i am dreaming again)
then we back to tent and put all the food inside..
then we go to front of stage and watch performance..
and dance together a while..
i like to dance together following them, but no one accompany me, i not dare..
after that we back to tent,
LW and "dad" lie in the tent want to sleep, then i just sit outside the tent lo..
and YS and her bf say want to find the straw mat, but they go for a long time..
i felt so lonely.. no people accompany me..
and i know they all is two by two, besides me alone..
and i thinking about him again.. hope he will accompany me.. (maybe is dreaming again)
suddenly LW say want find WS, so i accompany her to walk around the field..
but didn't see..
so i lend her my phone to make a call..
then she said to me she can go alone and ask me go accompany my "dad"..
but i saw she was sleeping.. i felt lonely again..
upper part of the tent got small holes because didn't cover all eh..
so if rain, inside also will wet..
so we put an umbrella..
they say want to play killer, so meet others at "canteen",
i am not interested in these game, so i leave alone..
i go to front of stage and stand there watching performance..
just me watch alone.. no friends..
then i saw him with WS and girls.. at there too..
after that didn't see them at there le..
i continue to watch.. after that i back to find them,
he was sitting at another table with friends..
i sit for a while, then i leave to see performance again..
i like it so much that the family de..
got a uncle playing electronic piano,
both son which is just secondary school play drums and saxofon..
then another 1 don't know who lai, plays electronic guitar..
their performance so nice..
as so long time i watch alone, i hope he will come to accompany me watch together..
(dreaming again)
then when the songs "What Are Words" which i like,
i back to find them and sit at there..
and him and friends join together..
i feel kinda stomach pain..
and feel so cold, so i wear the yellow jacket which is not so can keep warm..
after that still feel cold so i wear another 1, but still feel cold.. what to do?
they were playing games.. YS's bf ask me play, but i really don't want..
their games need holding hands, hmm.. luckily he didn't play and didn't holds girl's hand.
got a girl say bye to him.. hmm..
after that they play mafia..
it reminds me of last year classmates playing, he was by my side..
but now? haiz..
after that they go play something else,
then we back to tent..
after that suddenly rain.. 5 of us hide in the tent.. no oxygen..
after that rain stop, then YS and her bf want go car sleep, and ask another 1 who want.
then LW say she want so my "dad" and me stay in the tent..
after a while, rain heavily..
inside tent wet too.. we came out to do something..
and i wet a bit.. socks wet..
after that YS and her bf come, then we plan to move the tent to the place which got cover..
there was so cold..
my "dad", YS and her bf was in the tent, LW sit on straw mat, i sit on chair,
we chatting..
after that i sit on chair wanna sleep,
then they ask me go into the tent.. so in tent, YS and her bf and me wanna sleep,
but in the tent, i can't sleep also.. but i see YS's bf hugging YS sleep..
i felt admire.. and think about him again.. how i wish he will hug me and sleep like this too..
(i know it's dreaming again)
i heard LW call him..
in the tent, half hours past, but i still awake.. totally can't fall asleep..
i am the kind of hard to fall asleep eh.. some more is at strange place, land so hard,
and without something for me to hug.. how to sleep?
WS come, and say ghost story which i don't like..
but he said till like a love story instead of ghost story..
LW said she hopes this year Relay For Life is at the almost same date like last year,
because that time she not yet break..
and i hope that last year's would at the month like this year..
because that time, he will be by mi side..
since that i can't sleep, so i leave the tent then LW go in sleep..
my "dad" and me feel so cold..
yup i was wearing 2 jackets yet feel cold..
i want go to borrow from him,
why i will think this way? it is so absurd.. because impossible eh..
we no place to sleep..
we want to go other place so that won't so cold,
but all bags and things are at there, we have to take care, we can't leave...
midnight, i hope got people msg with me..
but no one.. impossible got also..
got a RELA uncle come, he smoking, and stand there talk to us,
damn! i hate it so much! he makes me have to use 扇子 to 扇 away the smell..
but that people ko mai leave, some more ask me is it hot..
What the ....?
i cold like living in hell actually, but have to do that is because of the smoke..
yet ask me this kind of question..
after that i know that in his car, got lower 6 girls with him..
i feel so down so sad so jealous....
i felt so hungry the whole night..
after that my "dad" say she want go walk around and see whether got things can eat,
then she back with pau..
she said it's free..
so i quickly eat 1 since that i hungry already..
we continue wait till sky turn bright..
when i go toilet, i saw he just came out from the car..
after that got tarik tali,
they go call him..
once again, i can see he tarik tali..
how could i tell him "be careful"?
i saw him slip down..
my heart seem pain.. worry.. and sad..
when saw they pull and he get pulled by opponents,
i feel so sad..
his fingers all scratch on the land.. will him pain? i think sure will.. haiz..
when he lies on land,
don't know why my heart makes me feel wanna go near beside him to do something that couple do..
but my mind stops me..
because i don't have the rights already..
yup i don't have rights..
he give his wallet to the lower 6 girl to keep but not other guy..
it makes me feel a bit down perhaps..
they won.. he sure very happy.. it's good..
after that got aerobic..
i want join.. but scare they don't want..
but at the end YS and his bf join, but i am just like an extra..
suddenly rain again, YS's bf holds her hand and run, then i run alone at back..
again, it makes me hope that he will holds me hand and run in the rain like this too..
(sorry i know i dreaming again)
actually last year although that time we not yet in a relationship,
but i felt so sweet although he not beside me, but he accompany me for all the time..
and i remember he said if he was there, he will lend me shoulder for me to sleep tight..
after that, i keep wishing this year's faster come so that we can join together..
but... all different..
he not with me, won't accompany me, i cold he also won't do anything,
and, he sleep in car with other girls..
i miss him all the time.. but i know he won't miss me.. am i right?
when we back, i only know that he already left..
i slept just now, but when i wake,
my both eyes very pain, pain till totally can't open..
i felt scare.. but i know can't find him although i want to..
now, my legs start to pain..
but the most serious is, my back neck pain again.. and it makes me feel very not well..
turn head also pain.. walking also pain..
didn't move also feel headache and not feeling well.. haiz..
where is him? nope.. i should not ask this..
he won't bother me de..
actually, i feel don't wanna to update it already,
because no one will come and see so it seem a useless blog..
but now, i choose to update it because i feel that i want to speak out,
just speak out and hope i will feel better a bit..
yesterday 6pm till today 10am was Relay For Life..
YS fetch us go.. her car always "die fire" and always hon by others..
but what we can do is just ask her to take it easy, don't nervous and slowly..
after we reach there, no place to park, then park at grave there.. Amitabha..
then we walk around the field to find MBS,
but after we walk finish, didn't see..
why this year like that de? last year got de, and also got teacher at there..
we stand there, then LW suddenly say later got people come find us,
then we ask who, i forgot she said "C" or make the sound "ssssss"..
i know immediately but they don't know who yet..
then she ask me know who? i said i know..
after that he came, but just talk with them, not good for me to disturb..
after that he talking through the phone, of course i don't know is who..
girl perhaps..
then he join with girls a while..
and he plays with a girl..
then they said want go playground, so we go..
then meet tiok their classmates..
after that saw MBS and all people also walking already,
so we also go..
YS suddenly hold my hand,
i feel curious because she never do that to me although with others many times..
but it feel warm and make me think of him..
really hope that the hand is him.. (i know i am dreaming)
heard he talk with his friend about he 2am only reach home, etc..
YS angry her bf on that morning, so i am with her then my "dad" with LW..
then they say want to take things, so we go to her cars there which was far away..
my leg kinda pain but i didn't tell anyone because useless..
YS say she no energy so i pull her at front and push her at back..
then we remind of last time merentas desa,
forgot which year already, at botanical garden,
i no energy then she bring me..
we back to the field and find a place to make tent, but it's near to the toilet..
she brought a pair of skating shoes,
she want to try and his bf was there too, so i slowly leave and let her bf with her..
then slowly, they both ok back already..
LW and YS say want to buy food, so i go with them..
but the whole way, just they both buy, i didn't buy at all..
don't know why..
then meet tiok him.. he was buying something..
we continue to walk and see, then suddenly no light..
oh my god.. i scare too dark de..
but i have torch light..
after that lights come back.. we met tiok him again,
he was sit beside a girl..
he give RM3 coupon to LW..
when we back tent, it's so dark..
if too dark, i not dare to move..
how i wish he will be by my side.. (i am dreaming again)
then we back to tent and put all the food inside..
then we go to front of stage and watch performance..
and dance together a while..
i like to dance together following them, but no one accompany me, i not dare..
after that we back to tent,
LW and "dad" lie in the tent want to sleep, then i just sit outside the tent lo..
and YS and her bf say want to find the straw mat, but they go for a long time..
i felt so lonely.. no people accompany me..
and i know they all is two by two, besides me alone..
and i thinking about him again.. hope he will accompany me.. (maybe is dreaming again)
suddenly LW say want find WS, so i accompany her to walk around the field..
but didn't see..
so i lend her my phone to make a call..
then she said to me she can go alone and ask me go accompany my "dad"..
but i saw she was sleeping.. i felt lonely again..
upper part of the tent got small holes because didn't cover all eh..
so if rain, inside also will wet..
so we put an umbrella..
they say want to play killer, so meet others at "canteen",
i am not interested in these game, so i leave alone..
i go to front of stage and stand there watching performance..
just me watch alone.. no friends..
then i saw him with WS and girls.. at there too..
after that didn't see them at there le..
i continue to watch.. after that i back to find them,
he was sitting at another table with friends..
i sit for a while, then i leave to see performance again..
i like it so much that the family de..
got a uncle playing electronic piano,
both son which is just secondary school play drums and saxofon..
then another 1 don't know who lai, plays electronic guitar..
their performance so nice..
as so long time i watch alone, i hope he will come to accompany me watch together..
(dreaming again)
then when the songs "What Are Words" which i like,
i back to find them and sit at there..
and him and friends join together..
i feel kinda stomach pain..
and feel so cold, so i wear the yellow jacket which is not so can keep warm..
after that still feel cold so i wear another 1, but still feel cold.. what to do?
they were playing games.. YS's bf ask me play, but i really don't want..
their games need holding hands, hmm.. luckily he didn't play and didn't holds girl's hand.
got a girl say bye to him.. hmm..
after that they play mafia..
it reminds me of last year classmates playing, he was by my side..
but now? haiz..
after that they go play something else,
then we back to tent..
after that suddenly rain.. 5 of us hide in the tent.. no oxygen..
after that rain stop, then YS and her bf want go car sleep, and ask another 1 who want.
then LW say she want so my "dad" and me stay in the tent..
after a while, rain heavily..
inside tent wet too.. we came out to do something..
and i wet a bit.. socks wet..
after that YS and her bf come, then we plan to move the tent to the place which got cover..
there was so cold..
my "dad", YS and her bf was in the tent, LW sit on straw mat, i sit on chair,
we chatting..
after that i sit on chair wanna sleep,
then they ask me go into the tent.. so in tent, YS and her bf and me wanna sleep,
but in the tent, i can't sleep also.. but i see YS's bf hugging YS sleep..
i felt admire.. and think about him again.. how i wish he will hug me and sleep like this too..
(i know it's dreaming again)
i heard LW call him..
in the tent, half hours past, but i still awake.. totally can't fall asleep..
i am the kind of hard to fall asleep eh.. some more is at strange place, land so hard,
and without something for me to hug.. how to sleep?
WS come, and say ghost story which i don't like..
but he said till like a love story instead of ghost story..
LW said she hopes this year Relay For Life is at the almost same date like last year,
because that time she not yet break..
and i hope that last year's would at the month like this year..
because that time, he will be by mi side..
since that i can't sleep, so i leave the tent then LW go in sleep..
my "dad" and me feel so cold..
yup i was wearing 2 jackets yet feel cold..
i want go to borrow from him,
why i will think this way? it is so absurd.. because impossible eh..
we no place to sleep..
we want to go other place so that won't so cold,
but all bags and things are at there, we have to take care, we can't leave...
midnight, i hope got people msg with me..
but no one.. impossible got also..
got a RELA uncle come, he smoking, and stand there talk to us,
damn! i hate it so much! he makes me have to use 扇子 to 扇 away the smell..
but that people ko mai leave, some more ask me is it hot..
What the ....?
i cold like living in hell actually, but have to do that is because of the smoke..
yet ask me this kind of question..
after that i know that in his car, got lower 6 girls with him..
i feel so down so sad so jealous....
i felt so hungry the whole night..
after that my "dad" say she want go walk around and see whether got things can eat,
then she back with pau..
she said it's free..
so i quickly eat 1 since that i hungry already..
we continue wait till sky turn bright..
when i go toilet, i saw he just came out from the car..
after that got tarik tali,
they go call him..
once again, i can see he tarik tali..
how could i tell him "be careful"?
i saw him slip down..
my heart seem pain.. worry.. and sad..
when saw they pull and he get pulled by opponents,
i feel so sad..
his fingers all scratch on the land.. will him pain? i think sure will.. haiz..
when he lies on land,
don't know why my heart makes me feel wanna go near beside him to do something that couple do..
but my mind stops me..
because i don't have the rights already..
yup i don't have rights..
he give his wallet to the lower 6 girl to keep but not other guy..
it makes me feel a bit down perhaps..
they won.. he sure very happy.. it's good..
after that got aerobic..
i want join.. but scare they don't want..
but at the end YS and his bf join, but i am just like an extra..
suddenly rain again, YS's bf holds her hand and run, then i run alone at back..
again, it makes me hope that he will holds me hand and run in the rain like this too..
(sorry i know i dreaming again)
actually last year although that time we not yet in a relationship,
but i felt so sweet although he not beside me, but he accompany me for all the time..
and i remember he said if he was there, he will lend me shoulder for me to sleep tight..
after that, i keep wishing this year's faster come so that we can join together..
but... all different..
he not with me, won't accompany me, i cold he also won't do anything,
and, he sleep in car with other girls..
i miss him all the time.. but i know he won't miss me.. am i right?
when we back, i only know that he already left..
i slept just now, but when i wake,
my both eyes very pain, pain till totally can't open..
i felt scare.. but i know can't find him although i want to..
now, my legs start to pain..
but the most serious is, my back neck pain again.. and it makes me feel very not well..
turn head also pain.. walking also pain..
didn't move also feel headache and not feeling well.. haiz..
where is him? nope.. i should not ask this..
he won't bother me de..
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