all about 18/7/11

last whole night i wake for many times again, 

and doing the same thing which is see on my phone,

and also get the same thing which is no msg..

feel kinda disappointed.. 

early morning reach school to arrange tables and chairs.. 

after that i bring my report book go and find form teacher.. 

i don't know that time she reach school already or not.. 

but i go to check it out.. 

when i reach, just saw she is walking come to teachers' room only..

hmm.. not bad.. ngam ngam wor.. 

the whole journey from my class to teachers' room,

i met some people.. 

and said total 3 times of "halo",

but so bad that i had for got who were them.. 

after assembly, we enter class.. 

teacher so late still not yet come into class..

then got an idiot guy come in our class and talk to the culprit..

why do i say he is idiot guy? of course got reason..

i say him idiot is not because of he came in and talk to the culprit..

but is because he came in without close the door.. 

didn't close door is doesn't matter, but the problem is, 

the sunlight reflex on the door and then come to me.. 

my eyes quite sensitive.. can't afford too bright..

as what they always say, i am vampire.. 

but my friends also not syok about that idiot that didn't close the door.. 

i feel that i am insane.. i had done what i never done in school before..

i straight walk to door there and close it hardly.. "POM"

Oooppsss.. whole class was staring at me.. 

but i do not feel that i have done wrong anything.. 

when i sit back on my place, my friends tell me "u are so yeng"..

i feel kinda "sweat"..

that time don't know why i feel so temper and angry.. 

till i can do something that i not dare to to in school.. 

my friends suddenly say that they want join starwalk..

and ask me to join too..

i feel want to join, but i don't have transport.. 

they ask me take bus go..

well, although every morning i take bus at about 7:15am,

but it is already familiar to me and i straight enter school once i reach,

it's safe..

but strawalk, i never take bus go there 

and some more sky not yet bright i have to wait alone at there?

i think my mum will scold me if i do that.. 

but my friend scold me, 

she say "你几岁了？还妈妈妈妈。。"

hmm... what should i say?

i admire to those people who can make decision so fast..

i feel i am so useless.. can't even make a simple decision..

i feel kinda down.. don't know why.. 

no transport, my mum sure 100% won't allow me to go, i know..

hmm.. whatever.. registration just available for today only..

i hope after today, don't think much..

but i start to think about it again when my friends tell me that,

wednesday the people in charge in starwalk will go to school again, 

so wednesday can still register..

i feel confuse again.. 

i want to go, but no transport.. haiz.. 

whatever la.. 

i don't know why i just feel wanna know a thing, 

i wanna know that he got go or not.. 

recess time i suddenly feel like wanna go ask him, 

but i did not do that.. 

reason is, i not dare... 

hmm.. whatever la.. 

today duty again, don't know why

 i feel like not so want to care about library's thing anymore..

it's not me..

i am not that kind of person..

i am always will do all work nicely all the time,

and care so much about library things.

but recently i do not feel the same..

maybe because of that day, yea they were doing works,

but all do wrong  some more don't want to correct it 

but just let it continue to be wrong..

i have no eyes to see about it anymore..

i still have few months to retire,

i also don't want to care so much already, 

that is not i am not responsible, it is all about even i care,

but nothing can do.. 

and i care so much, at the end, just myself feel kinda angry about it only..

i feel that seniors and juniors and us also have benefits and not also..

because for seniors, all the way long,

they faced the teacher which not so picky,

but they worked without air-con..

for us, we half half,

we faced a not picky teacher but worked without air-con,

and also face a picky teacher that are trying to torturing us but work with air-con.

for juniors, they face that picky teacher but works with air-con..

so who is the most lucky?

maybe all also consider lucky, or all also not lucky..

all also got good and bad..

well.. today i reach home at 7:30pm.. 

it's quite late to me..

and i feel disappointed.. 

because i hope that if he reach home and online 

but do not see me then will send me a msg ask me..

but he did not do that.. 

non of my friend do that too.. 

well, it's ok.. 

maybe no people notice that i do not online for whole afternoon also..

never mind.. really.. i should use to it.. 

again, i feel that i am useless..

when go out with other people,

i am just such a girl that do not know anything..

when eating,

i do not know or not dare to order..

and i feel i am useless.. 

it's another reason, that is so many thing i unable to eat..

they order spicy rice, and ask me,

what i can answer is just i not so can eat spicy..

when they change other, i ask about does it contain garlic..

because i can't eat garlic as i will vomit.. 

but i know most of the food contain garlic..

and that is the one of the reason why i do not like to go out..

and i not so can eat, so i will worry about how if i unable to finish it..

and normally i not use to eat outside's food..

so i will feel kinda geli to some kind of smell of food.. 

i feel kinda not feeling well when i reach home.. 

maybe it is because i not so can sit at behind of car..

because when the car move on and brek, 

it will make me feel dizzy..

i am still thinking about the starwalk thing.. hmm..

and feel disappointed.. 

down case..

Evening, mum n sis are in the kitchen, having dinner... 
after that, my bro enter and join them eat together..
actually i want to join eh, 
but already 3 people, place limited..
it is because a small round table is near the wall,
and both beside got cupboard..
so can sit 3 people is still ok, but if add me, 4 people,
they will feel uncomfortable.. i don't want they feel uncomfortable,
so, it's ok, i am alone.. 
i wait they all eat finished, then i only go eat..
i was eat alone.. feel so sad.. no people accompany..
but it's ok.. really.. i should use to it... 
just now only know that my friend had break up.. 
i don't know what to do to comfort her although i want to..
i said something to her just hope she feel better..
when comforting her, it makes me think about what my friend said before..
she said that i have no rights to comfort other people as myself not ok..
i am doubt about it.. 
is that really i no right to help my friend?
don't know why, although myself hurt enough,
but i am thinking something..
about how to let her don't feel pain n hurt.. 
hmm..
and i think that if all her pain n hurt can comes to me, 
i willing to accept it.. 
as long as she will be ok..
am i stupid? hmm.. nope.. 
all i want is all people around me are happy without hurt..
then how about me? hmm.. i am ok wor..
no matter how hurt i am, also never mind eh..
as long as all people happy..
really hope she will recover soon.. 
maybe all boys are the same.. 
they don't know the meaning about love.. 
love, not about suitable or not, it's all about cherish or not..
tomorrow monday again.. 
monday is my duty day.. how good if got people accompany me.. 
haiyo.. don't think so much la.. dreaming still early.. 

my feeling

what kind of human am i?

i think i am the kind of always hurt myself or make myself get hurt eh..

why am i say so? hmm..

just now after bath, i open his blog again,

this action is normal to me.. 

because that is what i always do.. 

but just now, i read again the whole passage that he wrote..

although is all about the girl, although it hurts me deeply,

but i choose to read all again.. 

am i crazy? that's why i said i am the kind of hurt myself eh..

sometimes although i know what i do will make myself get hurt,

but still want to do wor.. haiz..

sometimes some incident may hurt me, 

but i still find any ways just want to know about it..

i don't want to get hurt.. 

but on the other hand,

maybe i hope i will change mind after get hurt till max..

but seem useless too..

i have already get hurt till max but it can't change my mind..

they said i am a stubborn girl, maybe they are right, in some situation..

i never know that i can in love so fast to a guy without care about his weak point.

maybe can say, because i love him, so to me, he has no weak point..

i am thinking that maybe i will be very hard to in love with other guy already..

because i will feel that they are not as perfect as him..

horoscope mention that virgo is very picky eh..

i admit i am, but don't know why i unable to picky on him..

no matter how bad he is, i still will accept, 

maybe is because i am stubborn also, 

so i keep telling myself that i love him, 

and he is perfect to me.. 

just only him.. 

hmm.. love is this kind.. 

can tolerate no matter what.. 

although people say he is not so good, 

but i don't care..

but when got people say that i make him become worse,

i really feel very sad and keep thinking why they say so.. 

am i really change him become worse?

am i a bad girl?

but, love, is all about 2 people,

so why must care how other people say?

i read an story about one year ago, 

it's about a couple love each other deeply 

but because of other people say that they not match,

they break and cause the girl suicide.. 

after that they guy regret so much but it's too late..

it's true.. 

got 1 quote says that,

love is our matter,

how other people think is other people eh matter,

don't let other people eh matter affect our matter..

but how many people can really make it?

i am start doubting that does true love exists in this world?

i believe that true love exists in this world all the way long till the time that he left..

from the start, when never meet him, 

i believe true love between couple and forever,

and do not believe that friendship will last long..

after meet him, i strengthen what i believe.. 

i believe that only bf will stay with me forever..

but after he break with me, 

i change my mind,

i do not believe true love, do not believe couple will forever..

become believe friendship.. 

but i do not believe it for a long time..

after a short while, i do not believe in friendship too..

hmm.. well.. 

now seem that i do not believe everything...

myself? i not even believe in myself.. 

i need a lot of 安全感,

he is the only one success to let me feel it.. 

but he break it.. 

i feel lost... 

Dream again

once again, last night,
i made a dream.. 
it's all about him again.. 
in the dream, 
he send me a msg,
ask me to chat with him.. 
i felt very happy..
but i feel sad when i wake, 
because it was just a dream that impossible come true..
i feel like don't wanna to wake, 
i want to continue my dream forever..
maybe people will say that i am crazy or useless,
but i really think that way..
why i keep dreaming about him?
and why all the dream about him is so good and sweet?
i rather it is a bad dream,
because reality and dream are always opposite..
keep dreaming about him, 
maybe i too miss him?
dream that he msg me treat me so good,
maybe is because that is what i thinking and hoping?
hmmm..
but i know it is impossible.. haiz..

all about dinner

just finished my dinner, now the time is 8:45pm.. 
hmm.. why am i so late to have my dinner?
it's funny.. 
it it because i am waiting my brother but he is waiting me..
i was at living room, he was in his room,
we both hungry actually,
i wait for him to come out to have dinner, 
but at the same, 
he was waiting me to enter his room to call him..
is that funny?
we keep waiting for each other and at the end, 
so late only we have our dinner..
i eat so slow but bro eat so fast,
so he left kitchen n leave me alone.. 
hmm.. so spicy.. 
i was thinking am i really so unable to eat spicy food?
or it really too spicy?
after ate finish, i get some soup in my plate..
when i have my first spoon of soup, 
my tears came out immediately..
wuwuwu...
i felt very spicy already, some more soup is kinda warm..
spicy + warm/hot = tears come out
it's sooooooooooo .........................
i don't know how to describe.. 
i remember that i saw on facebook before,
says that no matter feel how spicy it is,
just use salt put in tongue, 
then gargle and spit it out.. of course not drink it.. haha..
then will feel no more spicy..
so i tried it.. 
but when i put salt on my tongue, 
i feel my tongue become no feeling..
after that i continue drink my soup, but it still soooooooo "syok"..
i was thinking that i should have a bf that can eat spicy very well..
why i say so?
hmm.. it is because when eating together,
spicy food all he eat and i eat all non-spicy food.. 
and help me clear all spicy food if it is too spicy to me.. haha..
will it seem like torturing him? wakakaka..
and he must be not a picky eater..
because i am a picky eater, 
then he should help me clear all food that i don't eat eh.. 
and i can't eat much so he must be can eat very much eh..
he have to help me finish it and clear all.. 
wakakaka... 
hmm.. seem like be my bf will be so suffer hor?

unknown

received a msg..
from an unknown.. 0164939857.
msg content makes me blur.. 
as below:
770 #62
XBSAC4A
B: 16/7 15:16:47
D: 16/7/98
M
2050 6.5
T: 6.5
+60164506383
659272 (2)
what's that??? who is that???
makes me blur... 
hope got people can tell me what's that.. 

haiz..

just now only see that on my report book my attendance just 92/95.

but i swear i never absent.. 

why does this happen?

haiz.. 

monday should ask teacher.. 

but i do not put any hope on it.. 

because teacher should say it's nothing eh.. 

then just ignore.. 

haiz.. 

just now take a nap.. 

i dream something..

i dream that he sms me, 

and then say that he wan to chat happily with me.. 

i feel very happy.. 

but when i wake up, 

i feel very disappointed and sad.. 

because i know the reality is always different from my dream..

haiz.. 

16/7/11 Parent's Day

Today morning was MBS Parent's Day, 
i really wearing FCC shirt and just pay RM0.70..
we go wait bus at about 8:58am,
use about 5 minutes to reach school..
then walk to the class, 
but i feel kinda shock,
because my form teacher was not inside..
then my muet teacher ask me go in..
she open my report book and point my account,
said that ujian 1 i fail but got improvement..
and status in class also improve..
and said that all my subjects also get B but just account C..
just lack of 1 mark then can get all B already..
she some more said next time should be all A.. 
LOL.. impossible.. 
then, she said to my mum 
"dia kelakuan baik, demerit juga tak ada",
after that, my form teacher came in.. 
and add on tell my mum,
"banding dengan yang lain, dia pelajar baik"
something like this.. 
my mum didn't say anything, just keep "Ng"..
after that my mum say to teachers
"dia takut, buat apa pun takut"..
then form teacher said "less confident"..
they ask me should be more confident to myself.. 
hmm.. feel so syok when teachers keep praising me in front of my mum.. 
wakakaka..
after that we walk around school then go back.. 
we walk back.. at about 9:18am..
reach home at about 9:42am.
hmm.. just use about 25 minutes to reach.. 
but so tired.. 

7

今天的第7篇。。

她说电话没钱，不能回复，他就call她。。

但那时候，我电话到期，不能回复，

不见得他call我关心我。。

反而是放弃了我。。

通常情侣，男生都会call女生聊。。

但他从来没有。。

我也没想那么多。。

觉得心里有对方就没问题。。

所以也没说什么。。

嗯。。

现在才知道。。

原来那时候不是他不能，

而是他不要。。

因为他不爱我了啊。。

如果他真的在乎这段感情，

就不会那么轻易放弃。。

连一通电话也没有。。

后来信息也没有。。

但现在他却可以和她。。。

我知道。。

他不在乎我。。

i am nothing

Don't wait for his msg.. 
he won't msg u anymore..
don't keep checking ur phone, 
it just make u feel more disappointed..
u want to msg him, 
but u must not to do so..
because maybe he will just feel that u are annoying.. 
he don't need u to accompany him anymore,
because he got other girls accompany him already.. 
Because of he don't loves u but u love him, 
so u are just NOTHING!
don't wait for his good night.. 
he won't send to u.. 
please give up.. 
but can i? haiz..

a letter for myself

Dear myself, 
use few minutes to finish it..
him, was a person who love u in the past,
is a person who u love so much but he not loving u.. 
he can love anyone but not u anymore..
he care anyone but not u anymore.. 
other people cry, he cares;
but u cry, he won't cares..
he msg anyone but not to u..
he do everything for anyone but not u.. 
sum up, whatever he do,
for anyone, any girl, but impossible is u..
mean excluded u.. 
u are just annoy to him.. 
u are nothing to him.. 
u hurt, he won't sad or worry..
u bully by other people, he won't protect u..
u sad, he won't comfort u..
even u disappear from this world, he also won't care..
he will still live happily with other girl.. 
he will forget u as soon as possible.. 
it's cruel but it's true.. 
isn't it?

this moment of me

This moment of me, feel very down... 
i was too look up myself, 
i thought i can make it, but in fact i can't..
he still can affect my mood.. 
but impossible i can affect his mood.. 
his mood just can affect by her.. 
i don't know what can i do now.. 
i feel lost..
can someone bring me back?
what can i do now.....
i promise myself not to cry because of him anymore, 
but why i cry again.. 
i am so useless.. 
he does not care me at all.. 
but why i still care so much about him....
once again, i feel like this world mean nothing to me.. 
i just too tired and feel like wanna disappear from the world..
maybe i am crazy because keep on updating my blog..
but no one can understand my feeling..
i am now listening to a song, title 我以为 sing by 品冠..
i feel moody, emo, down... 
but no one knows.. 
here no friends, i don't have to pretend happy..
but here have family.. 
i have to act happy... 
is that my life?

emo again

just read his blog..
and it makes me feel hurt again.. 
all about her.. 
he care so much to other girls..
but won't be me.. 
she cry in class, he worry him, 
i cried in class, i think he not even know, 
even know, he also won't worry about me, isn't it?
her...
he fetch her back home.. 
so.. that day he so late back is just wanna fetch her back..
her phone out of credit, he can call her..
but why last time my phone expired, he never call me?
hmm.. now think back, 
seem that he never call me and chat.. 
he likes to see her sweet smile..
he said that to me before.. 
about nearly one year ago..
well.. i feel hurt enough.. 
but who cares?
i am just negligible.. 
their relation so close...
i jealous so much... 
but.. do i have the rights?
nope.. 
seem that tonight i will insomnia again.. 

All about Parents' Day + Relay For Life

Tomorrow is our school parents' day,

what time should we go? 

Hmm.. 

tomorrow i will be the tourist guide, 

bring my mum go look around MBS, 

see how is our school look like.. 

i feel that mum will like our foyer..

because there is a small garden.. 

can it consider as garden? hmm.. whatever..

seem some people is worry and scare, 

but i am so relax.. 

because i am a good student, wakakaka..

and my result, my mum know already.. 

whenever i tell her my marks, 

she will tell me that : 

"u see, u can de, just u less confident only, always say cannot"

tomorrow i will be wearing FCC shirt go school if don't have any changes.. 

because it saves money, saves a total RM1.40, including go and back.

haiz.. what to do as i am not in a rich family? 

Relay For Life...

today at school HY say her group need 2 more people,

ask me wanna join or not, 

YS ask me join, i say i don't have transport,

she say what about if she fetch me?

but i feel so paiseh because she didn't pass by my house.. 

if she fetch me, she have to purposely come.. 

but she offer this, maybe she hope i go too?

i don't know.. 

if join, is my "dad" n me join together.. 

but i not really like that group.. 

what i thinking of is, no people will accompany for so long time,

they will be together and i will just be the follower..

although i feel wanna join, but why seem so many things annoy me? 

shiu... shiu... go away.. 

if really want join, should get permission from mum first.. 

who can give me suggestion or advice?

or maybe what i want is, 

there will be a human tell me that he/she hope i will go?

hmmm...

15/7/11

昨天我回家时搭的巴士，
没把我停在我那里的巴士站，
反而把我放得远远的。。
怎么我又想起之前也是这样，那时他在，
他问了一句，“要不要我陪你走回去？”
我说不用，他就说到家了msg他。。
呵呵。。好怀念哦。。
说说今天吧。。
今天早上提起我们班的那六个到底怎么了。。
JL和那5个到底什么事？我什么都不知道。。
但听他们说是因为她的一些"样子"让她们不爽。。
想了想，哦，昨天她没去学校，
所以晚上她在facebook问我功课，
我就在想为什么她问我而不是问她们。。
就像我，问的话也是问YN,SH或CY。。
但后来又想或许只是因为我有在上网所以她就顺便问。。
但早上听了这个消息，
也想起几个月前曾经有一次也是一样。。
还有最近数学节她都过来我们这里上课。。
啊对了，还有几个月前他问过我她什么事。。。
难怪。。
为什么朋友当了在一起一段时间了，
却会这样呢？
如果真的不合，那当初就不要参在一起啊！
参了现在才来boikot她，朋友之间何必搞成这个样子？
至于我们这里，同样也有问题。。
不知为何CY好像不怎么理YN，
虽然坐旁边，但没跟她说话。。
何必呢？
YN说星期一周会那么旧站跟CY有点痛苦，
因为CY的态度。。
嗯，虽然我不想站前面，
但我更不想看到朋友痛苦，好吧！
星期一我站跟YN吧！
希望会好点。。
至于SH和KS嘛。。
SH说她忘了是什么事，
只是开玩笑说不要跟KS说而已，
结果KS就不跟SH讲话。。
又或者还有别的事我不知道。。
但一个男生，干嘛这么小气呢？像个小孩子。。
朋友嘛。。到底朋友是什么？
我不相信朋友会有一辈子，
遇到他后，相信伴侣才是会一辈子的。。
但后来，从他选择离开后开始，
我就不相信伴侣会一辈子了。。
然而我试着相信朋友比较重要、会长久，
但我只不过是自欺欺人而已。。
我发现，我没有什么朋友，
至于知己，更甭说了。。根本就没有。。
其实对我来说，一堆朋友比不上一个知己，
知心朋友，一个就够了。。但我没有。。
很多次我尝试着融入她们，但我还是一样被排斥了。。
就像今天放学时，虽然包括我有5个，
但她们两个两个的，我参不进她们。。
我到底有什么问题？
今天PA节有点开心，也觉得内疚。。
开心是因为我猜对答案。。
今天老师给我们做kertas1的问题，
昨天说做penyelesaian masalah的，所以我们5个没带课本。
但别人有带，因为昨天是我们要求老师的。。他们不知道。
但今天老师叫我们做前面的部分，我们没课本，
老实说没课本应该也能做，我说不能。。
就算有课本也不会做。。
在老师一个一个叫我们回答时，
有一题我只是大概随便猜的，老师叫我，
问我能不能回答，我就念完然后念哪个我猜的答案，
我以为会错的，但老师没说，只点头，
哈哈，我竟然猜对哦！太棒了。。
而内疚的就是，昨晚我跟JL说不用带课本，
但老师却叫我们做前面部分，要找课本，
而她们又这样对她，怎么办呢？
我越想越觉得对不起她。。害了她。。
后来看到她坐跟CH，然后SH告诉我不要内疚，
因为CH会帮她。。但我心里还是内疚。。
我本来就是个容易觉得内疚的人。。
由于JL坐跟CH，有说有笑，
老师就说有人会jealous，
嗯，老师这样说，我觉得KK会觉得hurt。。
因为我中过。。
Account节时，teori part，我们有些人一样，
因为有些是抄的，以为老师会骂，
因为他不喜欢我们的答案一样、不喜欢我们抄答案，
但今天却说了一句 “its ok same”，
真是难得。。
老师问了问题，然后问KK，她不会回答，静静，
然后CH出声回答。。
虽然他们分了，但CH还是替KK解围。。很好。。
老师说下星期二的extra class取消，因为他不在，
星期一和二都不在，真难得。。哈哈。。
他们问他为什么，他说“eat wind”，
我就在想，不要吃我。。哈哈。。
今天华文学会好少人，
所以等到一点，就说取消活动了。。
今天有lolipop吃，好开心哦。。
如果时常都有，那更好。。哈哈。。
上巴士时，那几个印度女生，拼命挤上去，
我又不是那种会跟她们争的人，所以就让她们。。
是不是她们看我比较好欺负？拼命撞我。。
拜托啦！又不是赶着去投胎。。
难道我就是注定被人欺负的？唉。。或许吧。。
在巴士里，她们也很吵，一直在闹。。真受不了。。
我下巴士的时候，有一个也是MBS的学生，
我们不相识的，我也不认识他。。
但他就对我说了3个字，我听不清楚，
后来分析了一下，他说的应该是“解脱了”，
我比较迟钝，通常要过一些时间才会抓到别人在说什么。
好一句解脱了，是啊！可以这么说。。
在那巴士里真的是很折磨。。
刚才冲凉时，好冷。。我的手都变黑了。。

moody night

I feel so moody, don't why.. 
suddenly remember i have some homework didn't complete..
but it is near the time that i sleep..
i pack my bag..
see my bag's zipper, 
remember that the thing that use to zip had been broken.. 
and its zipper sometimes got problem.. 
i told mum, mum just say still half year more only,
so just tahan la.. 
hmm.. well.. ok.. 
my facebook seem got some problem, 
because of just now my bro touch my computer, 
so i just simply ask him, 
but he feel very angry and kinda count as shout to me..
i feel so sad.. 
i want to write blog to release all, but mum sit beside me, 
make me feel so frustrated.. 
i admit now i am very moody, and it it the time for me to off computer, 
but she sit beside me make me can't write blog..
i feel so tired inside.. 
hoping there is a human will send me a simple good night.. 
Although now u moody, 
but tomorrow u will still bring ur happy face go school right?
hmm.. yes, i will.. 
so.. good night.. 

银色情人节

刚才知道原来他比赛的日期是昨天。。
他和他班的女生。。
那星期二他留在学校是。。？
还有今天。。。
他也还没回，留在学校。。。
为什么呢？
他为谁而留？
唉。。别想了！别想了！
想多了又能怎样呢？
想多也无济于事。。
我大概靠近三点半去等巴士，
他也还没回。。
今天，我又是一个人回家。。
唉。。
吉风啊！你习惯了！不是吗？
怎么还唉声叹气？
习惯了没人理，
习惯了没人陪。。
全都该习惯了。。
还有几个月，你都要得要继续这样，
不是你要或不要，而是你必须！
嗯。。没错。。这就是我的人生。。
到现在，我还没参加relay for life和starwalk..
或许可以说没参加了吧。。
不是我不要。。只是没人陪我。。
虽然几个朋友有参加，
但我知道他们不会全程陪着我。。
我缺乏安全感。。。
我也知道在她们心里我并没那么重要，
她们总会忽略我。。习惯啦！
平常有什么活动，都是我问她们，
看她们的决定了就跟着而已。。
没人问我。。
她们之间会说“你去我就去，一起”
但我嘛。。不可能的。。
都说了嘛，我没那么重要。。
我存在与否也仅不过如此而已。。
去年starwalk他没在我身边，
我一直希望今年他会陪我走完全程的，
但。。。
至于relay for life去年他也没在我身边，
我也希望今年他会在我身边陪我度过整夜。。
但。。。
我还是一个人。。虽然不喜欢。。
虽然我比较喜欢他在身边，
但不可能的。。
他能陪任何人，但绝不会是我。。
这我也很清楚。。
我怎么又down了。。
我真的累了。。
在学校尽量让自己开心，
现在在家了，我可以做回我自己。。
他们说得对，我回家吃的不是饭，而是寂寞。。
有人对我说“很好，你最近没那么down了”
嗯。。我成功了。。
在别人面前我可以尽量让自己开心了。。
我办到了。。
到我很累了。。
好想有个人会心疼地抱着我对我说
“我知道你很累了，
在我面前你不需要伪装你自己，
乖。。”
或者别句类似这样的。。
但这只是我想而已。。
通常我想的东西是不会实现的。。
就想我想他不会离开我
我想他会回来，
我想他会陪我，
我想他会做什么都想到我，
我想。。。。
别想了！！！！！！！！
现在的我很不舒服。。
不懂是心脏问题还是肺的问题。。
不懂怎么形容。。
就觉得很不舒服。。
但我不敢告诉任何人包括妈妈。。
因为我不想他们担心我。。
或者，就算他们知道了，
也不能做什么。。也不会理会。。
为什么我那么依赖？
为什么我那么缺乏安全感？
为什么我不能独立？
为什么我总希望有个人可以陪着我，
不管什么事，并不会因为别人而忽略我。。
为什么我就是那么没用？？？
哦对了，今天是7月14日，是银色情人节。。
情人节快乐！
希望他会收到吧！
每一个月我都发信息祝他，
就除了这个月。。。
我没有脸再纠缠他。。
而且，他也不会理会。。
吉风，你已经是一个人了，
不要去幻想，不要去希望，
希望越大，失望越大。。
不会有人陪你，你要习惯。。
不要一直还傻傻地检查手机，
明知道每检查一次就心碎一次。。
这些你都知道。。不是吗？
嗯。。

.....................

好闷哦。。没事做。。

所以就写部落格。。

嗯。。

一个他曾告诉过我的秘密，

他说他从没告诉过任何人，

我是第一个。。

那时候的他真的很相信我。。

虽然我们已经分了，

但，我一辈子也不会让别人知道这秘密。。

原因很简单，

就是，我曾答应他不告诉任何一人的。。

这个秘密，

我会埋在心底最深处直到我死去为止。。

放心吧！不会有别人知道的。。

忽然觉得我的手机好陌生。。

好久没按了。。

好想找个人陪我聊，

但其实，能陪我聊的人，几乎是零。。

原来手机对我来说并不重要。。

只是以前觉得重要而已，

但那时候重要的不是手机，

而是他。。

至于现在嘛，有没有手机也没关系啦！

就算进钱，也只不过如此而已嘛。。

一整天放着，从没响过。。

原来，以前有他之前，

我充电都关机，

开始有他后，我偶尔开机充电，偶尔关机充。

关机充是不要电话那么快坏。。

而开着机充是因为他。。

渐渐的，我充电从不关机了。。

虽然知道这样对手机不好，

但对我来说，他比较重要。。

由于充电是在爸爸的房间，

进进出出很麻烦，而且也会导致迟回复他。。

我不要吃回复他，因为迟回复，

会让他不安，而我的心也不舒服。。

所以呢，我是用cable接着电脑，

借着电脑的电来充，虽然知道这样更容易坏，

但没关系，有他就可以了。。

嗯。。现在呢。。

我也不知道了。。

一星期只关机充电一次，

因为现在手机除了每天早上叫我起床外，

就没有用了。。

所以一星期只充一次。。

不像以前每天都接着电脑充满只为了他。。

我怎么又在胡言乱语了。。

唉。。

好无聊哦。。

今天下过雨，现在好冷哦。。

好希望有个人抱抱我替我取暖哦。。

嗯。。人是没有啦。。

抱枕就有。。但抱枕的温度。。。

也很冷。。

正听着歌。。不是中文歌，而是英文歌。。

以前的我都没听英文歌的。。

有也只是一两首而已。。

但现在不一样啦。。

自从他出现后，

他介绍我的每首英文歌我都会下载。。

因为他，我慢慢喜欢英文歌了。。

偶尔在网上找歌听，不是找中文，而是英文。

或许是因为他，所以我变了吧。。

9点了，数学还没做。。

羽毛球

难道我猜错了？
刚才看到他焕了那套衣服，
拿着器具。。
他今天比赛。。不是昨天？
那昨天的是。。？
哦。。我不知道。。。
我很喜欢看他穿那套衣服。。
同时也让我想起去年有一天，
他没去学校。。
但我们靠近放学时间时，
他去学校打篮球。。
我放学时有看到他，
他正投入打球，
我就走过对面，
巴士来了我就上，
但看见他赶来，
嗯。。他是故意去学校只为了陪我回家。。
那时候，他就是穿着那一套衣服。。
呵呵。。
那时候觉得自己好幸福。。
现在，他不会这么做了，
不，应该说他不会对我这样了。。
但我还是想谢谢他曾为我做的一切。。
老实说，他穿那套衣服看起来很yeng...
他今天比赛，嗯。。
加油哦！祝你好运。。
好想发信息鼓励他，
但我做不到。。
我知道当他回复thx的话，
会让我有点失落。。
因为只是冷冷的回复。。
更何况，
或许有人鼓励他，
他根本不在乎我的鼓励呢。。
发，不发，发，不发，...?
还是不发了。。
心里替他加油就够了。。
如果他心里还有我，他会收到；
如果他心里没有我，那就算了吧。。
证明他根本不在乎我的鼓励。。
放学就下雨了。。
很讨厌。。
最讨厌上学和放学时间下雨的，
为难我而已。。
等下他还要驾车回家，
希望他小心开车，平安到家。。

emo

我的感觉应该是对的。。
他应该是今天比赛badminton。。
不知结果如何。。
好想知道。。
她说我可以以一个“朋友”身份问他，
但她自己也没这么做。。
那我呢？
就更没资格啦！这还用说？
没关系啦。。
赢或输并不重要，重要的是尽了力，
问心无愧就好啦！
人生嘛，总会有人得意有人失意啊！
我三点半从dewan kuliah走下来，
闻到很熟悉的味道。。
很像他的味道。。
是我的幻觉？还是他真的在那里出现过？
又或者碰巧有人的味道和他相似而已？
这成了迷，我永远找不到答案。。
忽然发现部落格不错，
什么都可以写，
把不开心的都写出来，
然后带着笑脸面对大家。。
大家都希望看到我开心啊！
想起去年relay for life,
虽然那时候他还没说他喜欢我，
但他说过如果他有在我身边，
一定会借我肩膀，让我安心地睡一觉。。
这句话暖了我的心，
虽然他不在身边，但他有那种想法我满足了。。
他也陪我到凌晨直到他睡去。。
同时我一直都很期待今年的relay for life，
但分开后，我不期待，
因为他不会借我肩膀。。
或许借别的女生。。
呵呵。。如果被我看到，
我肯定当场崩溃。。
今年，蛮多对情侣分手的。。
如果只算男女都是MBS upper 6 的，
我们就是第一对，
CY和SJ，KY和JF，PX和SY，KK和CH，PK和GS，
还有吗？目前只记得这些。。
全部都是男生伤害女生。。
唉。。难道男生真的只懂得伤害女生吗？
男生都不懂得珍惜。。
很快没那所谓的感觉，
感觉没了，就分，多不负责任啊。。
男生嘛，永远要感谢那些在他们20岁前
陪在他们身边的女生。。
因为这时候的他们，一无所有的。。
而十多岁的女生是青春期，
就这样为了他们而牺牲了自己的青春也在所不惜。。
在男生一无所有的情况下还爱着他们，
女生用的是心，用真心爱着男生。。
朋友偶尔会找我聊，
我很想帮她，但，
有人说我没资格。。
因为我自己都不ok，有什么资格帮别人？
但我真的很想帮她们，
我不希望她们像我。。
我还是想不通，
为什么男生那么容易放下一段感情，
那么容易忘记。。
而女生却不能。。='(
吉风，要down的话现在down就好了。。
不要忘记明天要带笑容去学校。。
不要让他们担心你，
不要忘了她们说过如果你为这些东西而down，
他们是不会理你的。。
所以。。就算不开心，也要笑，知道吗？
我希望我能做到。。

7-1-2

今天7月12日，7-1-2，
是我家门牌耶！哈哈。。
早上一醒来，惨了。。
又打雷又下雨。。。
怎么办？我还要去学校。。。
唉。。
但怎么一下雨就想起了他？
习惯了吧。。
我脚好痛，或许是因为下雨的缘故吧。。
很痛很痛，但唯一方法就只是忍。。
后来还是到了学校。。
在他每次parking的位子没看见他的车。。
他没来？还是park在别的地方？
后来，看到他的车原来park在后面。。
在班上，看到他和朋友走过我班。。
他望进我班，但他在看谁？
嗯。。别想了。。
总之不是我就对了。。
放学后有account到三点半。。
在dewan kuliah里，我觉得冷。。
而脚又痛了。。
很担心放的时候会下雨，
如果真的下雨，我该怎么办？
但还好。。没下。。
我看见他的车还在。。
（如果没看错的话）
怎么他这么迟还没回？
他是有比赛吗？
想起去年他参加羽毛球比赛，
说要为我赢。。
虽然他没赢，但在我心中，他赢了所有人。。
今年，他会为谁？他会对谁说？
吉风啊吉风。。不要再想了。。
想这么多，受伤的还是自己。。
也不会改变什么了。。
醒醒吧！
我走到对面，有一辆巴士，
但蛮多人的，所以我就没上。。
但我班的几个全部都上，
剩我一个，没办法，上咯。。
但我是站在最危险的地方。。
现在写着部落格，但我的胃正痛着。。
我不知道为什么会胃痛。。
虽然痛，但也只能忍。。
不忍，还能怎样？
Relay For Life 怎样呢？
没有transport 。。怎么去？
想飞又没有翅膀。。
即使有，我也不会去。。
我是路痴啊！
觉得自己好没用。。。

扣分

原本今天一切都还好。。
我可以给自己打个80分吧！
但，现在，我想扣分。。
扣30分吧！
今天的我只剩50分。。
怎么我觉得我们之间的谈话很尴尬。。
是我问的“erm.. so ntg dy?”很奇怪吗？
不知道。。或许吧。。
但其实。。我的maxis手机一直都是关机，
只是要回复他所以才开机。。
后来他好像没东西说了，
应该也不想和我聊了。。
所以我想关机，
是因为关机可以让我不守在手机旁等，
不会让我自己每个几秒看一下手机。。
虽然知道他不会再发，
但还是怕万一我关机了他又发信息给我而我没看到。。
所以就。。。
不懂为什么。。
不喜欢他发的“K”，“O”，“oh..ok”
呵呵。。有没有人可以解释为什么？

11/7/11

昨晚和几个朋友在facebook chat聊。。
忽然我看到有一个句子，显示是我写的。
但我脑里没想这一句话，怎么会是我写的？
我很怕，叫了哥哥来问，
结果妈妈和姐姐也靠过来。。
他们说可能被人hack。。叫我换密码。。
还是哥哥最了解我。。
他看我没换，他就走开了。。
因为他知道我的密码不要让他们知道的。。
毕竟这是隐私。。
但妈妈和姐姐还在这里，
我就说“其实我只叫哥哥来而已”。。
然后妈妈大概也明白了。。也离开电脑前。。
但姐姐还是不明白。。
还留在这里。。。
一直催我快点换，然后一直念我。。
然后妈妈就对她说
“人家都叫你走了，你还坐在那里”
但他还是不动，继续念我。。
后来她才甘愿走开了，我就换了。。
在我要关电脑的那时候，
看见他上网了。。他应该到家了。。
后来我越想越害怕。。
如果真的是被hack那还不用紧。。
我怕的是我自己的问题，
或许是我忽然一刹那写了却没印象。。
还是有什么灵异事件。。
我真得越想越害怕。。没人了解。。
我还是得要一个人进关了灯的房间睡觉。。
进房间更害怕。。
我告诉自己不要怕，我闭着眼睛崔自己快点睡。。
后来终于睡了。。到凌晨三点多醒来，
是做了一个有关系到那件事的恶梦。。
更害怕。。
我检查了手机，咦？有信息。。
是他。。看了他的信息后，
我的心理平复了许多。。
后来继续睡了。。又继续发恶梦。。
知道闹铃把我给吵醒。。
半夜手指的筋痛得很厉害。。
所以早上就擦了油精。。
但一整天里，会碰到水，
每一碰到水后变得更痛。。
今天我在学校还蛮开心的。。
没办法，就算不开心也得要笑。。
因为我朋友曾说
如果我是因为那些东西而down，
那她就不要理我。。
另一方面，我不要她们担心我。。
继续笑着，
就不用去想如果他们问什么事的时候要怎样回答。
搭巴士回家，driver驾得很恐怖。。
我都站不稳的。。差点就跌了。。
但还好没事。。
回到家，妈妈说只有curry，问我能不能吃。
我问“如果不能吃，还有别的东西吃吗？”
妈妈说没有。。
既然没有选择，那还问来干嘛呢？
连续吃了2天的curry，肚子有点不舒服，
而且是用过期3个月的咖喱粉煮的，
偏偏我又敏感。。但有什么办法呢？
不吃，就没东西吃了。。
星期六是家长日，当然是妈妈去啦。。
爸爸怎么可能会去呢？
我希望只有我和妈妈，
并不是加姐姐在一起。。
我不知道为什么。。就不喜欢。。
最近好像好多活动。。
starwalk, relay for life, prom nite...
要不要参呢？
有点害怕会勾起我的回忆。。
也害怕某些事会发生。。
但我不可以逃避，
不管再怎么痛，我还是要去正视。。
逃避并不能解决一切。。
吉风，加油！快点做决定吧！
虽然很难，但还是必须。。
但如果我要，
也没有transport，没人陪我。。
而且也没有组。。
想起以前明明大家说好的，就这样变了。。
他、她、她们，全变了。。
人，是会变的。。
只是我太天真了！
明天又是三点半才能回，
又是一个人等巴士。。
唉！
但，我不是习惯了吗？
嗯。。

到家了msg我

昨晚又失眠了。。唉。。
到底我是怎么了？？？
差不多一个星期没发信息给他了。。
我是忍得多苦。。
昨晚在facebook看到他留言给别人，
说他在泰国。。。
说很闷。。

他没告诉我这件事，很正常。。

毕竟我不是他的谁。。

不懂他闷的时候，
会不会想起曾经陪他的我。。
或许不会了吧！
会想也只想他喜欢的女生了。。
想告诉他，
回到马来西亚后msg我。。
或。。
回到槟城了msg我。。
再不然，
就平安到家了msg我吧！
但，我没勇气告诉他。。
他不会在乎的吧？
如果我是他女友，
我会毫不犹豫发给他，
但我不是，
我没资格。。
写在这里，
只希望他到家后如果上网会看到，
然后发个信息给我。。
但他应该不会一到家就逛我的部落格吧。。
嗯。。
就等奇迹吧！
但奇迹是不会发生在我身上的。。
算了吧！
忘了吧！忘了吧！忘了吧！我真希望我能做到。。

图书馆

今天放学后去了华文学会一下，
为什么说一下呢？
因为我半途溜了出去。。
不是偷溜哦！
而是因为要去Scotland的图书馆duty.. 
那间图书馆，不错。。
但很白痴的是那个放着的板。。
或许有些对，但有些很奇怪。。
不可以穿没有袖子的衣服，
不可以穿拖鞋，
不可以穿短裤，
不可以穿紧身裤，
这些还算合理，毕竟图书馆是formal的。。
但jacket不可以穿？？！！
为什么？
怕偷书？？？
怎么偷收？如果jacket能，那衣服也可以了啦。
而且图书馆那么冷，
不穿jacket的话，我就会像今天一样冷死了。。
Duty好像没事做的。。
走走看看那些画，
听mp3几个小时，
看几面的小说，
聊天。。
没了。。
就这样而已。。
哦还有！
去厕所！（废话）
但那厕所真的很恐怖。。
它的门。。
好像不能关，硬硬关又怕到时开不到。。
要锁，那转的好像松了。。
要是锁了转不开，怎么办？
只能说一句，有点恐怖。。

a single msg

It has been a long time he does not automatically msg me anymore..

It has been almost one week time he does not reply me anymore..

It has been a few days i do not msg me anymore.. 

I try very hard to control myself not to msg him although i want to, 

it is because he likes other girl already..

I should not to disturb him and annoy him anymore, 

and i do not have the rights to do so too.. 

Well, my phone has been a long time does not have any msg..

Everyday, everytime whenever i check my phone, 

i feel disappointed.. 

But what really i am hoping or wishing?

Why do i keep hoping for a thing that impossible to happen?

*Sigh*

By the way, 

last night, 

when i woke sudden in midnight,

i check my phone, 

felt surprising that i had a msg.

i know impossible is sent by him, 

but still hoping.. 

It's true that not him.. 

but that msg content makes me felt kinda touching.. 

because it's a single concern msg sent by my friend.. 

She is not my close friend, 

we do not talk, 

just communicate when it is necessary.. 

but she sent me that concern msg, 

means she got think of me and care about me,

that's why i felt so touching.. 

and maybe because of i do not receive any msg for such a long time,

but suddenly get her concern msg.. 

Anyway, i want to thanks her, YWM.. 

hurt again

早上我看得一清二楚。。。
今天他迟了一点到学校，
但他放了书包就下去了。。还没7点。。
他走去外面，坐下来，
那个地方就是以前我们互相等对方的。。
但现在，他等的是她，不是我了。。
后来他跟warden trafic聊天，
直到那女生和朋友走进来时，
他跑得像飞一样朝她的方向追进来。。
他为了她，上网很久，为的就是等她上网。。
以前我等了他很久，他都没上网，只说不喜欢。
现在却为了她而。。。。
而且还post了很多notes。。
以前我发给他，他都不读，现在却为了她而读。。
他变了很多。。因为他。。
但我觉得，他还是不成熟。。
他真的还不懂爱是什么。。

他喜欢别人了

我病了好多天，他没关心。。
早上我差点醒不来，
妈妈还以为我死了。。
我一醒来，就发个早安给他。。
但他没回复。。
刚看了他的部落格。。
他。。应该是喜欢上一个女生了。。
看来，他真的早就把我忘了。。
不在意我了。。
但这半年我要怎么过？？？
我要怎样专注我的STPM??